Just Me

The End But The Beginning...

2010-12-30T21:10:00.002-05:00

So I have decided that this post will be my last blog post on this blog. I am going to create a new blog since this one just has so much pain for me to keep holding onto. It isn't healthy and I have grown so much just in this past year. Thank you all that have followed this one and look out for the new blog coming ASAP!

2009 recap 2010 restart

2010-01-07T19:46:00.002-05:00

So I was going to do this blog like a week ago but I keeped on forgetting. LOL So I am going to do it now while it fresh on my brain.

2009 was a tough year for me emotionally and spiritually. Let me start at the beginning:

January started as a normal new year. I was newly pregnant and we were readjusting to the pregancy thing again.. Then about a week into the new year, tradgedy struck and I miscarried that pregnancy unfortunatley. Looking back now, I think I went back to work too soon. I only took 2 days off. I really should have taken at least 4 or 5 days. But I pushed myself to get back onto my feet. The rest on January went by uneventful. I guess that was enough stress to deal with in one month huh?

February was a fresh start. Valentines day came and went with no major crisis. At the end of February I even went on a Mom's Night Out. Guess you ladies will never know what happen at that club huh? LOL Oh and Baby Got Back?

March and April went by and this is when we switched churches. We switched our family over to a brand new church that was starting out. So we were adjusting to a new church family and still trying to find our feet in with God.

May started and I realized that something was wrong with me. I was not the happy person I was just a few months ago. So I went to the doctor and told him what was going on and I was diagnoised with post partum depression. I didn't even know that women could get that when they miscarried but the doctor told me that 7 out of 10 women that miscarry end up with it because of the hormones for one leaving the body and then the loss of the child. That makes sense to me now. So they put me on an anti depressive.

June was very uneventful. But we were starting to prepare for Carly's 2nd birthday party which was enough for me to handle.

July is when our sweet little baby turned 2. She wasn't a baby or a toddler anymore. She is a big girl. :( So sad she is growing up so fast. We had a big party and a bunch of her friends attended to make it even more special. Fun times. But as the end of July came around things started going sour with a bunch of my friends and we stopped communicating at that time. That was hard for me to deal with but onto the next month I had to go.

August started our busy period. My sister's birthday is in August so is James' sister too. And they are close together as well. We like to think of August through December as our busy period.

Spetember was uneventful as well. Working and taking care of Carly.

October. Talk about a busy month! James has his birthday in October as does his brother in law, my brother and James' mom! Plus Halloween on top of that. Carly went to several events for Halloween. Loaded up on the candy that we got to eat! ;)

November we had our vacation. We took vacation during our 6th year anniversary. And of my gosh it was one of the best anniversarys ever! Sunday night of our anniversary we went to dinner and a movie, which we NEVER do. That Monday we went to Duplin Winery which was SO much fun! We also got the chance to stay with James cousins up near Raleigh for our first overnight stay with Carly. It didn't go too bad. Of course we had Thanksgiving with our family which was great! I also attended a babyshower with all those friends of mine that we had gotten disconected from. The shower was great and that got us all to talk. It made me realize how much I missed them all.

December was a rush of events too! My birthday, my dad's birthday and of course our Heavenly Father's birthday. But in the middle of all that we had another life altering event. I found out I was pregnant again. But this time I didn't tell anyone. Not even James. 2 days later I miscarried. Another hard event for me to overcome, by myself this time, but it really wasn't anywhere near as hard as the last time. I continued to work as normal. And do the things I normally do. I did finally tell James what happen so you guys don't need to lecture me on that! :D We decided between the two of us that we are hanging up the stocking of trying to get pregnant for now. If it happens ok but we are not going to try anymore. I need to take care of myself. Santa Clause came and went and the child got ENTIRELY too mush for Christmas... Thanks Santa! ;) And to wind out the year on New Year's Eve we were in bed asleep by 10pm tops! LOL We were so tired.

So that is the recap from 2009. On to 2010...

We are only 1 week into 2010 and we have already made some very important decisions in our life:

~No more meals out! We realized that we eat out WAY too much. At least 3-4 times a week. So we have limited ourselfs to 1 dinner out a week. Pizza or chinesse food or McDonald's burgers. That's it. No more buying munch at work for me, or stopping at McDonald's on the way home.

~We cut out our home phone and cable. We now only have basic basic cable. You know the local channel plus a few extras. We have the magicJack for our home phone service and so far we like it. We subscribed to NetFlix so we won't get bored and we already LOVE it.

~We cut our grocery budget down. We are still unsure of exactly how much we need to keep it too but we will get a number as the months go by.

~Our goal is to be able to save $250.00 by the end of the month. I know that isn't a lot but we are taking baby steps to get to where we want to be.

That's about it for now. I am exhausted after typing all of this! LOL Just a little recap of our life last year and so far this year. Lwt me close by thanking God for everything we have acheived so far and allowing me to share mt story. :)

God bless all of you, oh and please, I know most of you are finding out about our 2nd miscarriage for the first time, don't worry about us. We are good, and it is all in God's hands!

Thank You Jesus!

2009-10-14T20:51:00.002-04:00

One year ago, I accepted Jesus into my life. That was a powerful moment. I can still tell you who was with me and where it happen. It all seems like just yesterday.

I was in my living room after church when we recieved a phone call. It was from a friend of mine asking if we would mind a visit from some fellow church members. We said sure and within a few minutes there were a total of 6 of us sitting in our living room discussing what James and I thought of the church. The conversation casually turned into if we believed in Jesus. As we sat there and talked with these people my friend was sitting right beside me. She was squeezing my hand the entire time, encouraging me silently to ask any questions I had. No judgement was ever cast down on me. It was a brand new experiance for me.

Usually when asked about my beliefs there was nothing but judgement but these people made me feel safe in a way to lay everything out there for them. In that moment I felt this overwhelming feeling of love. These strangers that didn't even know who I was were hoding there hands out to me telling me that it was ok to take the dive. It was ok to walk blindly into a faith I had no knowledge about. It was ok as long as I knew that Jesus loves me and that he died for ME. These people really opened my eyes and helped show me that Jesus is real. Just in that short amount of time talking with them. JESUS IS REAL!

That day was October 12, 2008. I know now that Jesus is with me everyday. He loves me for my faults and failures. He loves me weather I go to church or not. He loves me because He is in my heart, in my life.

All these people that came to my house that day I really owe them a big thank you. I know that they will say that I owe them nothing, that it was my time to know Jesus and accept Jesus. God was using them as an instrument to assist me in finding my way back to Him. But I still think that if it wasn't because of them I would not know Jesus. I would still be walking around as a lost soul.

To that friend of mine who sat there and held my hand the whole time, I owe you more than you will ever know. I know we both have a lot going on in our lives right now but I want you to know that you have done more for me than just encourage me. You have helped answer my questions that I have had along the way and have never once judged me for anything that I have asked. I hope you know that you have helped me be a better person and a better mother and wife. Without you I really have no idea waht my life would be like right now.

Over the past year I have discovered a lot about myself. I have learned a lot from God and what he wants me to do. Right now, I feel like I am at a stand still. For a long time I felt like I was slipping backwards but now I just feel like I am standing still. I have no church family, or anyone to talk to about my questions regarding my faith anymore but still somehow I find myself sharing Jesus everyday. I know this a growing point for me through Him. I have to have faith that He knows exactly what He is doing and that He is guiding me in the right direction.

I hope that one day I can share my story with Carly in hopes that she can make the decision that she sees that is right for herself. Until that day I can only give her the knowledge that I have and hope that is good enough!

Love you all that read this and talk to you soon! <3

Anticipation and patience

2009-09-24T13:36:00.002-04:00

I have disconnected myself from a lot of people in the past 3 months. It has been a rough road but I feel like I have made the right decision. I don't feel as pressured to be a certain way anymore.

A couple of months ago I was losing myself. I was trying to make everyone else happy and forgetting about my own happiness. AS long as I was well liked it didn't matter. Then I had reality hit me in the face hard and it tested the strengths that I had within myself and the people I know. I finally found that I was not being true to myself. And that was not what I had worked so hard on in my past to be.

The pieces of my life have been put back together and I can now face what I had left behind. I am going to slowly start to try to rebuild these relationships that I had lost but this time I know not to change myself. These people did help me out a lot. I love them like sisters but I was trying to be something I will never be.

Sometimes it takes being at the bottom to see the light at the end of the tunnell.

39 weeks and a couple days later

2009-08-26T19:19:00.004-04:00

As some of you remember, back in Janurary James and I suffered the most heartbreaking experiance od our lives... we miscarried at almost 7 weeks being pregnant. This fact still creeps into my head on a daily basis of the thought of "What ifs?" It has been a long and painful road. This week has got to be one of the harder weeks for me personally since right now I would have been holding that little bundle of joy in my arms.

On December 25, 2008 we found out we were pregnant with our 2nd child. We where thrilled and couldn't have asked for a better Christmas present than that!?!?! We had been trying to get pregnant and it had finally happened again. We were so happy. We told all of our friends and family who where also thrilled for us.

Then on Janurary 7, 2009 I was at work. That morning I had a feeling that something wasn't right but I couldn't put my finger on it. Then at 8:35am it happen. It was the worst experiance of my life and I don't wish it on anyone. I was in the doctors office crying by myself at his desk. James was at work and I didn't want to upset him since I had already left work early. The doctor came in and verified what I already new. He wrote me a few prescriptions for pain, infection and anit-depressant and I was on my way.

I remember going back to my mom's house since she was watching Carly for me and laying down on the couch and after that everything was kind of a fuzz. For 2 days I really don't remember what was going on. I remember sleeping a lot and I do remember building a gingerbread house and my SIL coming over with flowers with her and her hubby's sympathy. Thank God my mom was there to watch Carly for us.

What makes this really hard on me right now is that I would have had our baby right now. I would have been 39 weeks and a couple days and since I would have had a schedule c-section I know I would have delivered by now. This week would have been the week. It is hard to think about us not having our baby in our hands. I don't want to forget that baby that I had growing inside me for 7 weeks. That baby will always be my child even if I never really knew them. I know they are up with Jesus right now, fulfilling their purpose.

I have never once asked "Why me?" God has a plan and I know that this fit into that plan somehow. Trusting in the Lord has taken on a completley different meaning to me now that all this has happen.

What also makes things hard right now is that it seems like most of the women around me are pregnant and I so want to be pregnant too. This is one of the reasons I have pulled away from some of you. It is just really hard for me to think about all of this going right now, especially right now.

I know things will work their way out, it is just going to take some time. Overflowing sadness accompanies me this week. I am just glad I am done working until Saturday night. Gives me time to think about everything right now.

Well, that is all for now. It has been a while since I have laid it all out there. God is good!

Just another day

2009-07-19T00:02:00.002-04:00

So today was just another day. Woke up, did a little grocery shopping, went to go spend a little time with Carly then went to work.

The day had gone fine up to the point when I had to go to work. And really work was fine until I found out who the closing manager was. Let's just say that this guy is a year younger than me and has that holier than thou attitude. Well, I did really well up to the point where I asked him to do a simple task for me. He told me no that I could do it. So I didn't argue and just did it. I came back up front and he is still standing there and then asks "See... That wasn't that hard was it?" Now he was really starting to tick me off. A little while later he came back up front and asked me for a particular report. I told him that all the reports were already done, that I had taken care of it anyways. He said he still wanted to see it. Ok fine. I bring it to him to see it. Then this is where I lost my cool. He said and these were his words exactly "Woman! When I ask for something you better bring it."

Now let me explain something to you. The only person in this world that can call me woman is my hubby and it had better be in the right tone of voice. I completely lost my cool. I won't going into detail as to what I said because I am not proud of it but I think I got my point accross. I just get so tired of sexism. It is crazy!

So I get off of work and come home and I was just going to post this first part on here but I read a friend of mine blog. It really knocked my socks off. Maybe this is God's way for me to start understanding were other people are coming from. Or maybe this is a way for me to reach out to these people. This guy is obviously crying out for attention to be talking to me in that manner. Maybe he hasn't meet Jesus Christ yet and God is trying to use me to show him who Jesus is. I don't know. But reading my friends blog really just has my eyes open to my surroundings. My eyes were only on myself before and while that is ok maybe I need to branch out and open my eyes to what is around.

I have been praying for a while for God to guide me in the direction I need to go next but I haven't been letting Him show me. I want an easy answer to my prayers but that just isn't the case because then I wouldn't appreciate it. I am not good at being patient but maybe if I develop that ability then maybe He will start allowing me to see where I need to go.

All I ever wanted

2009-07-14T18:32:00.002-04:00

All I ever wanted was to have a wonderful loving and compassionate set of friends and family who really understand who I am and what I am worth. I can't choose my family but thank God He gave me my family. But I can choose my friends.

I am 25 years old and in high school I had a good bunch of friends. We went to each others houses, we would road trip to Myrtle Beach, go to the mall.... all kinds of things. As high school ended we all went our different ways. Since then, I have tried to find a new set of friends to do the same types of things with. Chit chat sessions, sisters to grow with. It is very hard to travel this road of life without a group of sisters. And it is so hard to find a group of sisters that will not judge or pressure you.

Since high school, I have had "friends" that were not good friends. I have been burned so many times with my "sisters" that it is hard to trust again. It is like if you have ever been in a relationship and you get cheated on and find out. Not a great feeling. Something you have to push through and move on from but then you get into another relationship that is the exact same thing. IT SUCKS. That is what I have been dealing with. It hurts and it isn't fair. It is time for me to weed out all the bad and surround myself with the good people in my life.

A person can only give so much before the rope breaks. My rope had broken and now it is time for me to piece it back together. I refuse to go through these fake motions anymore. It's not fait to me or my family.

At a crossroad

2009-07-13T21:31:00.000-04:00

I find myself at crossroad right now. A fork in the road. I can go left or right but both directions are going to change my life forever. My heart is heavy and has been for quit some time now. I am tired and feel alone. Lonliness has really been showinf its ugly head latley now that I have no vehicle. I am finding myself thinking about what is real in my life. What is fake and what I need to purge out of my life. I know which way I need to go at this fork in the road but I am afraid to go that way.

It is a scary path. One that I have to walk on alone. I never asked for this choice that I have to make. Never wanted to make this choice. But I have too. I have spent many nights latley thinking about my choices and neither one of them I am happy with but I cannot continue to stand still like I have been over the past 4 months. I am not happy with the way things have been going so I am going to start overhauling my life. Some major changes are about to happen. Some of you already know what I am talking about while others of you have no clue. But it is going to be ok. I will be ok. As long as I have my family beside me to continue my walk I know I will be taken care of.

Sometimes things happen for a reason that you know of. Sometimes it makes no sense. I have been at this fork in the road for so long now, on my knees asking God which way to go. Finally He has showed me what is the right path for me. He has showed me that is not going to be easy or fun but when I get to the end of it, I will be happier.

I will be happier. I have faith and trust in that. I will be happy.

A long time

2009-03-09T22:34:00.002-04:00

It has been some time since I wrote my last blog. I have had some recovery time, some down time and some air to breathe.

First of all, God has been stirring in me. I have found a new church family that I feel at home with. He is showing me His way. I am learning more from Him everyday and the more I look for Him the more He shows Himself to me.

My business is finally lifting off the ground. For those of you who don't know, I am a Pampered Chef. I have been one since October. I became inactive in December and I am finally getting shows booked. I have my 1st one on the 19th! Wish me luck. I am hoping and praying that this is my way out of my work away from home job! Work when I want to not when I am told too! Praying so hard on this one.

James and I have decided to try to get pregnant again. Fingers crossed and praying that things go right this time around. I don't know if I could handle another miscarriage...

Our vacation is coming up the first week of April! YAY! I can't wait! We aren't doing anything special, just lazing around. Sometimes that is the best thing! :) Spending time with each other.

Carly is growing like a weed. Putting words together to make sentences. Our favorite ones are "I love Jesus." and "I love God" Isn't that awesome! Our little girl is growing up! :( So sad but it is such a great time!

Well, that is a quick update! More later!

Tired and Frustrated

2009-01-25T00:21:00.002-05:00

I am so tired and frustrated right now. I feel like I have hit a brick wall and I can't climb over it. It is so irratating because I need to get to the other side to move on.

These past couple days have been rough. Carly is cutting 3 molars so she has been really fussy and whiney and it is driving me nuts! I know it isn't her fault but can the teeth come in already? I mean give momma a break.

I had to go into work for a few hours this morning so I left Carly with my Mother in law. Now my MIL has previously had problems with keeping Carly. But I figured 2-3 hours shouldn't be too hard right? NOPE! I was wrong.

I left instructions For her to put Carly down for a nap around 10am. She said she did but Carly started crying and it was breaking her heart. GET OVER IT! Carly knows what to do to get attention. She is a smart girl. Plus, my MIL didn't feed her or change her the entire time Carly was there. My MIL said that Carly had soaked through her diaper, onesie and pants. And why didn't the woman change her before that point? IDK! Makes no sense to me. I keep on trying to give the woman a chance but there comes a point where there are no more chances. And I think we have meet it.

While I was at work today, I had a lady come through one of my cashiers lane with a WIC where the signitures didn't match. That means we can't take it. Well, to make a long story short, the lady pitched a fit and started throwing the items that were in her cart around the store. One of the items was a big 375 pack of baby wipes. Yeah, it came flying at my face and came within 6 inches of hitting me. Not fun.

I did get a chance to go out tonight for a friends birthday! It was so much fun. Karokee and I was going to sing but it was getting late for me so I had to leave. You mom's will understand!

When I got home I was hoping that my hubby would have at least thrown away the leftovers from dinner. Was it done? NOPE! So guess who had to clean it all up? YUP! You guessed right!

But what I do have to say at least I am still breathing and I do have a family that loves me. I love my new haircut! I guess I am just feeling kind of bogged down with all of this.

Taking it easy

2009-01-15T21:54:00.002-05:00

So the past couple of days I have been doing some thinking. Our family has been going through a lot in the past couple of weeks and we have been leaning heavily on God to get us through it. Here is what I have learned in the past 2 weeks.

1> I am not in control. I may think that I am in control of my life but in the end He is. I always try to make things go the way I plan them. Not the way He plans them. And I am constantly reminded of this. But He really showed me how He is in control of things this past couple of weeks. I may not like everything He is doing but I know in the end that He knows what He is doing.

2> It is ok to be angry at God. I have always thought that I can't be angry with God. He is the creator of everything and why should I question Him or get angry with Him? Because He already knows I am angry with Him. He already knows everything that I am thinking so I need to go on and tell Him. He will forgive me for whatever I am feeling and I know it is ok.

3> Sometimes grief is a good thing. As all of you know we were pregnant and miscarried last Wednesday. I have to say that was the hardest thing I have had to go through in my life so far. If I didn't have my faith I really don't know whay I would have done. Grieving for the loss of this child showed me that Gos was right there grieveing with me. I did not have any one physically there holding my hand when all of this happen but God was there crying with me. He felt everything I was feeling. He knows what kind of pain I was going through. I wasn't alone during that fragie time.

4> I need to start taking better care of me. I have blamed myslef for all this stress in my life. I couldn't figure out why I am so ticked off all the time, minus the miscarriage. But I think I finally have it pegged down. I am trying to do too much for everyone else and not enough for myself. Like the Bible says, you have to norish God's temple first and God's temple is your body. It is time for me to start taking time to myself. Stop stressing about work. Find something I enjoy doing.

5> And lastly, but most imprtantly, when you think your friends are lost they suddenly appear and are there for you. While I was going through the whole grieving process, and still am going through it, I said and wrote some things that were plain out hurtful. I know now that was my grief coming out. But all my friends, true friends that is, still love me for me. They know that I am going through a rough time and I think that this makes our relationships that much stronger. For me, friends are always and have always been hard to find. I don't trust people very easily. and when I do trust someone, I always seem to wind up getting hurt. Not this time. I have found some really good friends who I can relate too and love me for me.

6> I know I said the last one was last but I almost forgot the most important things. I relaized how much love I have for James and Carly. It isn't until you lose something that you really appreciate what you have in front of you. I have been taking it for granted that I hsve a husband and a child already. How many people in this world have that?!?! I am so blessed that God has given me a husband who really understand me and loves me unconditionally and a gorgeous little girl who is the sunshine of our day. I really am blessed and I thank God that He has endowed me in these areas of my life.

Love you all! More to come later!
5

Starting over

2009-01-10T20:32:00.002-05:00

So I am starting to think that maybe I might be the problem in all of my friendships that I have.

No seriously. I am one person to say that I don't like drama and BS and all of that but it seems here lately that I am looking for it. I am looking for a reason to cause problems and I am saying things that are hurtful and mean and it just doesn't make sense.

All my life, I have been the nurturer. People come to me for comforting when they have problems and just need a laugh. I loved helping people out. At one point I even considered being some kind of doctor.

But ever since October, things have started chaging. I have become spitful and hateful. I have become very untrusting and thinking that people are after me.

I used to be able to read people very well. But now... I don't know. I want me back. I want the old Dawn back. But what can I do? I don't know what has come over me here latley. How do I go from such an easy, going nice and loving person to a hateful, mean, unloving person. Is that even possible?

Or is it that since this awful thing happen to our family I am trying to bring everyone else down? Or is it something else? I don't know! And it is driving me nuts! UGH! I AM NOT THIS KIND OF PERSON!

To all my friends out there that I may have hurt and upset, please know that I am very, very sorry. I am sitting here typing this almost in tears. It hurts me so bad.

Misunderstandings & Mixed Blessings

2009-01-09T01:08:00.002-05:00

When I first started going to church I met this wonderful couple and they helped guide us back to Christ. They are very nice people and we love them very much. At the same time that we were finding Christ, other things were going on in our lives and just conviently things started to fall into place. But as soon as we got baptized something seemed to change.

We had situations come up where we weren't able to come to church. James had the opportunity to take another position in his company and the Devil started messing with our relationships. And let me tell you, Satan is suceeding very well at trying to tear our relationships.

Not only is he toying with our friendships, Satan is toying with our emotions.

We ended getting pregnant and finding out on Christmas Day. We were so excited! We were trying to have a second baby and finally God had decided it was our time. We told everyone and I made my dr appointment but something just didn't feel right. I had a feeling like something was wrong. But I didn't know what it was.

Well, on January 8, 2008 at 8:30AM I miscarried. This has been the hardest thing oue family has ever been through. I went through and am still going through a whirlwind of emotions.

First, I cried. And cried and cried and cried. I did that for the almost 4 hours. After that 4 hours period and some very good drugs, I became numb. I just didn't feel anything. I knew what had happen but I just didn't know what to do.

Then, around 8pm January 9, 2008 I became angry. I was very pissed off with God for doing this to me. It isn't fair and why did this happen to me. This stage didn't last very long.

Now as I sit here at 1:25am on January 10, 2008 I am sad. Not only because I have lost the life of my baby but I feel as if I am losing one of my sisters. One of my dear friends who I love very deeply. I know that things have been hectic for all of us now but I don't want to lose a sister.

With all of this I am sure there are going to be plenty more tears, lots of hugs and in the end I hope He will help us figure everything else. Give us a healthy baby and to give me my sister back.

Although all of this awfulness has been happening, something good has come from all of this. I gained another sister. We were friends before all of this happen but now I see her as a sister. She has been here through my whole miscarriage and I am very greatful for her!

Love you all and thank you for the continued prayers and support.

Very sad times..

2009-01-07T13:36:00.001-05:00

For all of you who don't have facebook I just wanted to let you guys know that we lost our baby this morning due to a miscarriage. Thanks for everyones continued prayers and thoughts. We love you.

I've Forgotten

2009-01-02T15:04:00.002-05:00

Even though I was pregnant with Carly just under 2 years ago I have seemlingly forgotten what it is like to be pregnant.

I have been having these really bad mood swings lately. I am up one minute and down the next. And here at work it seems that these customers sense that I am at my breaking point and just go the extra mile to make sure I tip over. Why do people have to be so insensitive?

People keep asking me questions about my pregnancy. Like, when are you due and is it a boy or a girl? I have no clue! I haven't even found a doctor yet and I am only like 5 weeks pregnant. I am starting to think that I should have kept this a secret and not mentioned anything to anyone until I started showing. I regret telling everyone and know it seems like I have to live with it.

I get blank stares from people when they find out, like another one? Didn't you just have a baby not too long ago? Is 26 months appart really that close together? I don't think so. Why can't people just be happy for us. It is our decision not everyone elses so why does it matter to everyone else for?

AND another thing, why is it that because I look young mean that I sleep around with all these guys? I have other people asking me if I know who the father is? oh YEAH! I AM MARRIED! Have been for over 5 years now. Don't you see the ring on my finger?

It just really makes me upset because I try my best not to judge others. That isn't my job. that is God's job. So why do others have to judge me? And at such a sensitive time in my life. Everyday I just want to lock myself in my room and cry for hours. But I can't do that. I have a child that needs my attention. I can't give up.

As for other aspects of my life. What are friends anyway? Why do we have friends for? Growing up my friends were there for me when I was going through hard times... And I had some very scary moments in school. My friends never left my side until we seperated and went to different schools. Now, we all have jobs or lives that we are living and maybe we just don't have the time for the kind of friendships we had in school. But for me a friend is someone who you know that you can lean on.

James is the best friend I have in life. I can lean on him for anything. He will catch me when fall. He knows everything about me. We have no secrets from each other.

Sometimes you need some other friends to lean on. I have been searching for these friends ever since I graduated from high school. It seems like everytime I think I find some friends they end up being totally different than I thought. I have found 1 person other than James that has stayed true to what she showed me for as long as I have known her. I love her like my sister, in fact I see her as my sister.

Lastly, I am so happy that Jesus Christ was introduced to me. I know he died on the cross for my sins. I know He has a plan for me. I may not know that plan yet but I also know that I don't HAVE to know His plan. He will point me in the right direction.

Now, we just have to find what works for us. We have been going to church now for almost 3 months and I am still trying to figure out if this church is the right one for us. We love to format of the church, it is very laid back but to me, it doesn't seem very personable. Very few people acknowledge us every week. And since we don't know a lot of people yet, I don't feel comfortable going up to people and talking to them. So we are going to give this church a few more weeks and see what happens. Who knows except for Him?

Big news on Christmas Day.

2008-12-26T08:53:00.002-05:00

Christmas Day went really well. Carly got lots of toys and she played with them all day. And what is surprising is that she is still playing with them today! LOL. She is a very happy girl. She didn't quite seem to understand what was going on but she was ready to tear into all the gifts, even momma and daddy's gifts! Next year I am sure she will understand... But next year is going to be a lot different.

This past week I just haven't felt like myself. I have been super emoitional, crying over everything and being super tired. James thought I might be pregnant. So we took a test last Saturday and the test came back negative. But I was still not feeling like myself. So on Christmas Eve I took another test and it came back slightly positive. If you have ever taken one of those read the line test, you will know what I mean.

Well, on Christmas Day we went and purchased a digital test that said positive/negative. Figured there wouldn't be any confusion with that one! That came back POSITIVE! So we are going to have another baby. Now the problem...

My family does not support us having another baby. It really hurt me to hear that last night. Plus adding the emotions that I am going through right now, I was in tears for most of the night. I know we can do this. We wanted to have another baby. I just wish my family was supportive. But I guess you can't please everyone huh?

Too tired

2008-12-20T09:47:00.003-05:00

You know you go through those periods of your life where you feel like everything is moving too fast? I am going through that right now. I feel like I am doing everything for everyone else but myself. You know, trying to take care of Carly, clean the house, go to work, cook dinner. ETC, ETC, ETC. You get to a point where you are drained and want to give everything up and start over. Boy do I wish I could do that on some days.

This time of year gets even worse for me. As I am sure it is for most people. But there is a place to stop! I have to start saying no to things. I have to start focusing more on myself and less on other people. Because if I don't I am never going to be happy. And isn't that what God wants me to be? Happy?

So I am being childish...

2008-12-14T20:00:00.002-05:00

Yes. I am really going to be childish and a little selfish on this post but I am allowed to do that every now and then. LOL.

So my birthday is Tuesday December 16. I am turning 25 this year. I have been looking foward to this birthday for a long time now. I will be completley and 100% legal to do everything that I want to do. But here's my thing.

For James' 25th birthday I threw him a surprise birthday party. And every year his mom takes his/us out to dinner for his birthday. Which I think is awesome. But, and this is a heavy but, what about me? Yes I know this is a very selfish question but every year that goes by I feel cheated out of my birthday because it is so close to Christmas. No one has time to celebrate with me, or to throw me a surprise birthday party. I get cards that are combination birthday/christmas cards. This has always irrated me. Birthdays and Christmas are 2 SEPARATE celebrations that people need acknowledge seperatly.

I feel a little bad about having these feelings but this really does upset me.

Example for this year, for my birthday I asked for hoodies and a day where I didn't have to worry about watching Carly. Don't get me wrong, I love my child but we all need a break, right? I had to buy the hoodies myself and didn't get that full day to myself. Every year something happens to really bring me down. I am just so tired of it you know.

I know I should just be greatful to be living and have Christ in my life but I guess I am just envious from what I see everyone else gets.

New day new feelings

2008-12-09T19:29:00.002-05:00

Everyday brings many new challenges. Some good, some bad. But with all these challenges that are experiance each day, we learn something about ourselves that we may not have ever known unless we wnet through it.

Example being, I have been challenged everyday with patience. I am not a patient person. I want everyone to move out of my way and let me move through with my life. But God wants me to slow down. But I find it very hard to slow down. There is so much that needs to get done in a day and I feel that if it doesn't all get done then I am a failure. But I am learning that it is not true.

I keep on being challenged by the same thing everyday and at first I was very frustrated. I didn't understand why God was pushing me. But I am starting to come around. He wants me to learn from Him. I don't have it all figured out yet but for the first time in several weeks, I picked upa bible last night. Be that it was a childrens picture bible but something amazing happend. I understood it! Every word of it! I was so completely excited. I didn't want to stop reading.

So every time that I learn to be patient He gifts me with understanding His word. I am so excited to learn from him. Thank you God for teaching me!

My letter to God..

2008-11-30T20:46:00.002-05:00

Dear God,

Many emotions have been going through me here in the past 2 months. I don't even know what some of them are. But I know you have a plan for me God. I trust that you know exactly where I am going and what my purpose in life is. Oh God, please help me to build my faith in you every day that I wake up and please continue to lift me up in all moments of discouragment. You and I both know that times are hard for everyone and that we all are struggling to make ends meet but God, I trust in you to help provide me with what I need. I know that you will take care of me and that you will protect me and my family. God, I gave my self to you and I know that you let your only Son die on that cross for my sins so that I may have a better life. Please, God, walk me through my everyday life, help me with my patience, help me help others get back home to you. Please let me continue to grow with everything that I learn and with my relationships with everyone I run into. God, you have already touched my life more than I will ever know and I want everyone to be this way. Please help me trust you with each passing day. Please God, help James and I raise our daughter to know you, to love you, to worship you, the way that we do. God, I know that I am not perfect and that I never will. I know that I do not desevre your mercy but that you have saved me. I am going to make my way back to you God, and even if the Devil tries his best to beat me down and not believe, I know that you will help me chase him away. God, you are my life. You help me everyday, and while I haven't been the best Christian in the world here I know you forgive me. I know that if I ever have any questions that you have provided my church family that help answer those questions. Thank you God for everything I have in my life. God, I love you. ---- Amen

Why?

2008-11-26T19:37:00.002-05:00

Why does the Devil always seem to find his way into our lives. My last post was about helping those in need out for the holidays and i was all set to help a family out. Then come to find out from others that were helping them too, that this family is a scam artist. They take the items people give to them for free and pawn the stuff off.

We are such good people, and I know God has a purpose for us, but it seems that here lately everytime we try to help people we always end getting bitten in the rear and wind up getting hurt. Now, thankfully, we hadn't given anything to this family yet, and just because this family is not truthful doesn't mean that other families are the same way. But I am starting to think that maybe I need to step back for a while.

I have been focusing so much on other people that I am forgetting myself. I don't even know who I am anymore. I am not a happy person, I am always sad and depressed. I just can't kick this thing... It irritates me so mcuh too because I am not usually an unhappy person. I love being happy and I love my life that the Lord has blessed me with. I just can't seem to pull myslef out of this black whole I am in.

Some days I wake up and I don't even want to get out of bed. Some days I just want to cry all day and other days I feel numb to everything. I think that if I can just make it until tomorrow, things will get better. But they don't. Between taking care of the house, my job, my family, and my faith I am losing myself even farther. And now i can't figure out how to get back.

I have been on this road now for sometime and I can feel a fork coming in the road where I am going to have to choose my path. But which do I take? And what does each path hold for me?

I am heading for an emotional breakdown and I am lost of what to do... Prayer is what people tell me but I don't even have the energy for that. BUT the one joy of my day is getting in the car and turning on the radio to listen to my Christian station. In those couple minutes that I am driving around I just feel joy... If I could only figure out how to incorporate the music in my life.

Tis the season right?

2008-11-24T18:58:00.002-05:00

Don't you love this time of year? People get cranky, fussy, upset and start yelling at you because you made a mistake? Yeah... Lovin' it!

But this post is NOT going to be about that stuff. It is going to be about giving.

Now, we are by NO means at a point in our lives were we can give out money to everyone who needs it. I would love to be able to do that one day but for now here's what I want to do.

I found a family today on WilmingtonYardSales who are in desperate need of help. The husband just got laid off from his job, they have 4 children who are 19, 17,17 and 10. This family also has a sister whose husband just had a quadruple bypass surgery and can't work and that family has a 12 month old. Now, I do not know these people, I haven't talked to them over the phone but I have this feeling that I need to try to heelp them. They are asking for prayers and I know everyone who reads my blogs will pray for them. But here is what else I want to do.

These families are not going to have much of a Christmas this year. I have rummaged around my house and found somethings that I no longer use. The families do not care if the items are new or used. So I have a couple things already. Mostly for the baby, well because that is all we have right now. I can't go out and buy them anything but something is telling me to do something.

I sat around for a little while after reading their plea and was thinking that someone else would help them out. Well, I got a quick wake up call and I can't even explain what happen but God was telling me to help them. This is all in His plan. And this situation really ties in to what our Pastor was preaching on Sunday. Greed.

He challenged us to go through our boxes we have hoarded away and give it away or sell it builds God's kingdom. I was going to sell this stuff when I read about this family, I am just going to give it away to them. I fanyone would like to help me with this family I can send you sizes and stuff that they like.

But this posts is not just for this family. We as people are greedy. We like to hoard everything thinking that maybe one day we will use it. Maybe you will use it one day, maybe you won't. But instead of hoarding it, why not give it to someone who can use it now. It will be out of your way and the other person will be very greatful. Even if its something small, trust me you will feel amazing afterwards.

I have not given anything to this family yet but just thinking about helping them makes me feel awesome. Just think if everyone could adopt a family in need...

And just when you start loosing faith

2008-11-20T21:26:00.003-05:00

Something happens and you find it again. And when you find it, your faith seems to be even more powerful than before.

These past couple weeks have been really tough for us. As I am sure you can tell by reading my previous blogs. I had almost given up on trusting God. I was questioning why I should be where I am at and if this was the right choice for me. Well, this week I had an awakening.

I am not really sure what happen. I am not doing anything different than before. But I was at work today and I got a peak at next weeks schedule. I noticed that they had me working 5 days next week. 4 of the days were morning shifts and 1 was a night shift. First of all, I don't work 5 days. It is too much for me. And 2nd, I am the strongest supervisor they have. Not to toot my own horn or anything but they know it. I would think they would schedule me to work more nights because of all the business next week. Well, after arguing with my manager for 2 hours, I finally got a sense of peace about me. I didn't get my way but I felt this tug telling me to stop arguing and that everything was going to be fine.

So I just stopped. I walked away and left it as be. I am still working 5 days next week but maybe the week after that work will give me an additonal day off for working so much this week. I am not even stressing out about my job anymore and I know God did that for me. I know He will take care of everything. He always watches out for me and will not put more on me than I can take.

This simple act of walking away has restored my faith in God. I guess sometimes you have to walk away and almost give up to really understand how much He loves you and wants you to get back to Him. I am sure I will lots more moments in my life in which I question Him but I know He will always lead me back to Him. the light may not always be bright but it will ALWAYS be there.

Loosing faith

2008-11-17T19:20:00.002-05:00

So I just read a friends blog and her blog was about a devotional that we both recieved. It was about how all of us are still newborns in many ways with God.

I thought it was a wake up call to me as well. These past 2 months have been, to be honest with you, some of the hardest times in my life. I don't trust people very easily and now I am having to trust someone I can't even see? That takes guts.

I am like a newborn so much when it comes to God. I am becoming so discouraged in my path to find peace with Him. I feel like I am wondering off the lighted path that He has shown me and I
am falling more and more closer to the Devil. I hate that I getting off the lighted path that God has shown me. It hurts me but in the same way, isn't it easier sometimes for us to take the path that Satan wants us too? I mean Satan knows what it is we want, or what our weaknesses are.

Lately, Satan has been telling me things that are very hard for me not to believe. For example, I am having a very hard time with our Sunday School class. Every week I go, I get more and more discouraged because I do not understand what is being talked about 3/4 of the time. So Satan is urging me to quit going to the class. He is telling me to stop wasting my time, that it isn't worth it. And I am starting to listen. I don't want to ask questions in the class and look/sound like an idiot because I don't know who Issaih is (or Mark or John or any of those people). So wouldn't be easier for me to quit? That's what Satan wants. He wants me to fail. I don't want to fail though, but I don't want to keep getting confused.

Another example, I used to be really good about reading my Bible and praying everyday. Now I never pray and I pick up my Bible maybe twice a week. I keep finding excuses for not doing it. I am so busy with my jobs and with Carly and now the holidays. Isn't the saying that "If Satan can't make you bad than he will make you busy." Well he sure is doing a good job at this because I am so busy. I don't even have the energy to make dinner.

As I slip farther and farther away from the lighted path, I feel that my relationships with my new friends are growing farther and farther a part. I don't want to be one of those 2 faced people. I do believe in God and I know that Jesus dies on the cross for all my sins. I love God and Jesus and The Holy Spirit. I can just feel myself slipping away.

But I am not one to give up on a fight. I know that everyone goes through periods of questioning if what they believe is right. I just have to find my way back onto the lighted path. Baby steps. That is all God is asking for right?

I am so tired...

2008-11-14T19:30:00.002-05:00

Why is it that when things seem to be right on track, something goes wrong and you get dropped on your back?

What a loaded question. I have always asked this question and never quite understood why I wasn't recieving the answer to my question. I still ask this question sometimes when things get really bad. Well.... Things are really bad.

Now usually, it is finaical issues that we have that makes things bad. Don't get me wrong we are still living paycheck to paycheck and sometimes we have to choose between food and diapers but we make ends meet somehow. This time the thing that has made things bad is a threat from one of my hubby's co workers.

And what gets me is that this threat wasn't just one of those "I am going to kick your butt" threats. This was a "I am going to kill you and your family threat." Yes, those were the words I was told except from what I was told there were a few more choice words in there that do not need to be repeated. Why would you threaten to kill someone for? Now I am scared to freaking death. Not necissarily for my own safety but for my baby girls. She doesn't even know this guy. I don't even know him. So I don't even know where to go with this. This guy is not onw to joke around either. James said he is very short tempered and has been known to throw drinks back in waitresses faces. So yeah.... I am scared.

But through all this, I was driving home from picking Carly up today and had my radio tuned to Klove when a song came on that I hadn't heard in years. When I was young my family and I would watch Touched By An Angel and I loved that show! On one of the episodes, there was a boy who has Cystic Fibriosis. His mother had started writing a song for him when he was born and never finished it. That was his one wish, for her to finish that song. Well, that song is called "Testify To Love". This song makes me cry everytime I hear it. I feel God talking to me when I hear this song and I just start singing this song at the top of my lungs. All of a sudden, I just had this over coming sense of calm. I kow everything is going to be ok. I am just going to put in Gods hands. He will not let anything happen to us that is not suppose to happen. We are just going to have to pray that this guy is just blowing off some steam.

If you aren't familar with this song here is a link you can go to to take a listen.
http://www.lyrics.com/index.php/artists/lyric/avalon-p-200249-lyrics-testify-to-love-t-13659635

Love you all!

5 years ago

2008-11-08T09:43:00.002-05:00

5 years ago today I married my man of my dreams. He was sweet, charming and loving and took very good care of me. Fast forward 5 years and this man is even better. I never thought I could love someone as much as I love him. James has been one of the greatest influences in my life (although at times I have to wonder....) and I can't imagine my life without him.

We have been together for a total of 7 years and out of those 7 years not once had we been to church together up to this past couple weeks. We have done more with our relationship over these past 4 weeks than we have in the 7 years we have been together. We have found God and have meet a few couples that really inspire us to be better people. We went on a marriage retreat and while we got eaten up by mesquitos we learned a lot about ourselves and God. We were never the "Church going" people. We had been turned off to several religions/churches for all kinds of reasons but when we found Southside, we know that God had guided us in the right direction.

God, please help us in continueing to make our relationship blossom day by day. Please let us continue to learn more about each other each day. God, would you please help us get to know you better, love you more each day and help us raise our daughter to know you the way we want to. Please help us continue to grow our relationships with our faithful friends. We know that we are not perfect people and we never can be but help us in teaching us how you want us to be. God we love you and we thank you for keeping us together through everything we have been through together and for helping us stay together for everything to come.

These past few days..

2008-11-01T22:21:00.002-04:00

Well, as I am sure most of you read my blog a couple days ago. We were going through a very rough patch and we still are. I prayed to God and just put it in His hands and I trusted Him. really trusted Him to help us get through this. Now, I don't trust to easy but I didn't know what else to do. He really came through for us. Putting everything in His hands and not worry about what was going on made our loves a lot simpler. He knows what He is doing. He knows when we have had enough and we can't take any more pressure. He helps us get through it. I truely believe that since we gave Him our trust He in return showed us that He is real and can be trusted.

Going through a rough patch

2008-10-29T20:05:00.002-04:00

Sometimes you wonder what or how you got into situations that you are in. Why is stuff always happening to us for? I still think that sometimes but the difference now is that I pray for the reasons. We had something absolutley awful happen to us this week. Both of us were very very very upset. At first, we blamed God. I know that is not the right thing to do but it is natural for us. Then we remembered that God does not allow more to happen to us than we can handle. So we prayed on it. GOd answered our prays and while we are still in very bad situation we know that if we continue to pray and allow Him to take over things ARE going to get better. Everything happens for a reason right?

I awoke this morning...

2008-10-26T23:22:00.002-04:00

not knowing what exactly to expect. My heart had already belonged to God but today was the day for me to publicly announce it to the world. Now, I have never been baptized. I have never seen anyone get baptized before. This was going to be a brand new experiance for me. I had just found out yesterday that James was going to get baptized with me. That was so awesome. We only get 1 chance to get baptized together and I am so glad that he decided to go with me. This was one of the best things that ever happen to me in my life. I went first and Derik had talked all of us through the baptism before it started. Then the video screen wouldn't go up. It was a little funny because no one could figure out why. So 2 other guys came back and held the screen up while we were getting baptized. Today is a day I will deffanitly remember for the rest of my life. My life is changed now. When I woke up this morning, I had 2 sisters and 1 brother. Now, I have a whole congregation of brothers and sisters that accept us as there own flesh and blood. It was all a little overwheleming because at the end of the sermon, all of us that were baptized were asked to step to the front to recieve our certificates of baptisms. As we were getting those certificates everyone stepped up to us and gave us hugs and congratualted us. We both felt like we belonged. Thanks to all my new found brothers and sisters for making us feel welecome and I hope to get to know all of you better.

Feeling down...

2008-10-24T11:06:00.002-04:00

Over these past 3 days I have been pretty sick. It has taken all my energy to wake up and get to work. I get home and I go straight to bed. I have not spent anytime in my Bible and I am so tired when I get home that I can't even get the energy to pray. I am feeling very upset about this but I know God is watching over me. I listen to K-Love everyday on my way to and from work. I just don't want to turn into one of those people that are constantly coming up with excuses on why I am pushing him away. Hopefully I will feel better soon.

A Life-Changing Moment

2008-10-19T14:12:00.002-04:00

We went to church again today and we were a little more comfortable today. We both had just gone to the Marriage Retreat and meet a lot of new couples who we got to know a little better. While we were at service today, Pastor Kelly asked us to bow our heads in prayer and asked us to come to the alter for specific reasons. And to be honest, I didn't think I would be one of those people to get up and kneel in front of the whole congregation and ask God for help. Well, while we were praying I got this jolt of emotion. It overcame me and poured over my heart. And I knew that was the Holy Spirit encoraging me to go up to the alter and ask Jesus to help me find my way. I started to cry with emotion and that moment was the best moment I have felt in a long time. I didn't know what to do with myself. So James and I went and kneeled up front and I prayed harder for Him to continue to help me along this journey. I know He will. I will find my way back to Him.

What to do?

2008-10-15T19:55:00.002-04:00

I have been at my current job for almost 18 months. From January 2008 until August 2008 I worked 40 hours a week for almost every single week. I fought and fought with my employer to give me the full time status and for all that time they continued to tell me that there weren't any full time postions available. So I told them to cut my hours down to part time hours. 2 weeks after that, my employer came up to me and offered me an assisitant manager position, which was full time. But there was no telling when I would move into that position. So I declined. Then we got a new manager and he was unaware of all of this that had happen. I love our new manager. He is very nice and full of faith, in both what I do and God himself. I feel very blessed to have this manager in my life. But now he keeps pushing me to go full time. And James and I are trying to get pregnant with our 2nd child. (My 1st pregnancy did not go so smoothly. I had to take a leave of absence from my job.) And I would hate to take the full time position and then the very next month have to take a leave of absence because I was so sick. How come things seem to land in your lap at the most inappropriate times. I need to do some praying.

My first prayers...

2008-10-13T16:23:00.002-04:00

Well, last night was the first night ever that I have prayed. I wasn't quite sure how to do it but I just put my whole heart into it and I felt Him. This morning, when I woke up I prayed again to Him. When I prayed this morning I asked Him to give me patience. Then I went into my email and had seen that I had 6 emails from the same person. So I randomly picked one of the emails and it just happen to be about patience. To me, that is deffiantley a sign from Him. I hope everyday that goes by I learn more and more from Him.

Tagged by Steph Thanks!

2008-10-13T08:54:00.003-04:00

Ok So I was tagged for this picture posting project. Here's how this one works: "Pick your fourth picture file and the fourth picture from that and post it." I pick Randi Jo, Sarah A, and Beth.

This picture is on Easter 2008. At this time we had 3 babies in the family and this is the first time they all got together. I am holding my cousins 6 week old baby boy.

Finding faith In God

2008-10-12T19:24:00.002-04:00

James and I have been together for almost 7 years now and not once have we gone to church together. Well, we went for the first time today and I think that both of us are changed for the better. We filled out a guest card when we left and later today they called asking if it would be ok for a visit. We said yes.

Now, usually, when church pleople come by it us all about preaching to us about what we are doing wrong and how we need to better our lives so we were a bit apprehensive at first but we figured why not. What did we have to loose?

Nothing! We gained insight to the best church we have ever stepped foot in and let me tell you it was an eye opening experiance. Everyone was laid back and we felt welcome from the first step onto the property! Never have we been welcome like that. It was so overwhelming!

But now both James and I have accepted Christ as our one and only Savior and we are on our way to knowing Him and His life! We want Him in our lives and we NEED Him in our lives.

Thanks to Randi Jo and Brandon for opening there arms and welcoming us so warmly into their church. Both of us really do appreciate it!

Vacation almost over

2008-10-11T15:52:00.002-04:00

So I have done an excellant job at keeping up this blog over our vacation! LOL! We took Carly to the aquarium on Tuesday and she loved it! We will be going back soon. Other than that this week has been very uneventful. Just cleaning the house and relaxing. We did go out to dinner for our anniversary on Tuesday. We had a great time. I still have pictures to put up for that too. We are going to join another family at their church tomorrow and we are really looking foward to it. Hopefully, it will be the church that we have been looking for.

Transition

2008-10-05T19:54:00.003-04:00

We finally decided to transition Carly over to her twin bed. It has been sitting in her room for almost 2 months now and she has been sleeping in a pack and play now for almost 3 months. I thought it was going to be a lot harder then it was. She just laid right on down and went right to sleep. She woke up about 20 min. after we laid her down and I went into her room and laid down with her for like 2o min. Then I left and she went right back to sleep. We will see what the night holds for us. Hopefully she will do this good all night.

I am a little agrevatted

2008-10-03T19:12:00.002-04:00

I have been trying to follow this presidential election from the time I found out who the candidates were. I am still very unsure of who I am going to vote for but I will vote. I just watch a clip on a website that the person in the clip was discouraging people from voting. Voting is not a decision we make. It isn't one of those things that we wake and say "Oh, well I don't feel like it today." It is our civic DUTY to vote. Just like how it is our DUTY to take care of our children. These people who think that we shouldn't vote need to be exhiled from the country. I know this may seem a little harsh but that is how I feel and I am not about to appoligize for it.

Just a note...

2008-09-30T20:44:00.002-04:00

I am having my first Pampered Chef cooking show on October 8, 2008 at 6:30pm. If anyone is interested in attending (If you don't want to buy anything that's cool, I just want some support) let me know and I will get you the directions. In addition, if there is anything I can help you out with Pampered Chef wise please let me know. I am really wanting this to work out for me so I can stay at home with Carly and work when I want to. Thanks Ya'll!

And the weekend ends... Bad.

2008-09-28T20:03:00.002-04:00

It is Sunday night and I am so upset. James and I have had a decent weekend. Yesterday was good. Today was ok up til 5pm. We got a knock at our door arounf that time and I was in the middle of cutting up some potatoes to make some homemade potato chips. So James picked Carly up and answered the door. We thought it might be has mom since she was supposed to come over tonight. James went outside and he was out there for a while. So I thought maybe it was a door-to-door sales person, so I was going to go rescue him. I go to the door and walk outside and to my surprise it isn't either one of those people. It was one of James' old "friends".

Maybe I should explain why this man is so awful. About 18 months ago, James transferred over to day shift and meet this man. I was excited for him to begin with because he was making friends. Well, the more James and him hung out and got together, the more this man would make inappropriate comments towards me. This man is very sexist and thinks women are only good for 2 things (I will let you figure that out.) He even taught his 4 year old to slap my bottom and say "sexy." Very inappropriate. This man was married and his wife and I would talk on the phone every now and then. She has 3 kids from a previous relationship and 1 child with him. Well, about 8 months ago they "won" airline tickets and asked us to sell them for them on ebay. Well, long story short they lied to us and we ended up losing our ebay account and oweing people $600.00. Then 4 months ago this man "quit" his job, packed everything up and took off with 2 of the kids without telling his wife where he was going. So esentially he kidnapped them.

When this all happend I cut ties with both of them and I asked James to do the same. I just didn't want anything to happen to Carly or us. So when this man popped up out of the blue today (with another woman I should mention) I was furious. I went outside grabbed Carly and came back in the house. 15 minutes later James was STILL out there talking to him. So I politley stuck my head out the door and told James his mom was on her way over. 10 minutes after that he was STILL out there so I knocked on the door and thats when he came inside.

James asked why I was so mad and I had to remind him about the whole ordeal. I know James didn't mean any harm but I just can't trust this other man. He makes me feel very uncomfortable. So James sent him an email tonight telling him to not have contact with us again.
I just hope I don't see him again.

Weekend is here finally

2008-09-26T20:08:00.002-04:00

The weekend is finally here and we can relax and enjoy each others company. It is amazing how you can be in each others prescense and not say anything and be happy. I believe we are truely happy with each other. Everyday together we grow more and more as a couple. Everyday together we learn new things about each other and love each other more than the day before. I hope that we stay together for all eternity (although my mother in law doesn't think we will. But who is she to say right?) even after death.

Just relaxing

2008-09-25T18:00:00.002-04:00

Well, I have 7 days left until vacation starts and I can't wait! I am in desperate need of a vacation. Time to focus on my family and nuture new and old friendships. I am so beat from all this work that I have been doing lately and I feel no accomplishment. My job has become exactly that... a job. I want to do something that makes a difference, something that makes me feel good. I know what I would like to do but I just don't have a desire to go to school. And that is ok. I want a break so badly and James needs one as well. We are going to take Carly to the aquarium for the first time over our vacation. That will be fun. I am sure she will have a blast.

PS I started another blog too. It is all about my poetry if you guys are interested in reading it. Not much up there yet but there will be soon.

So much fun.

2008-09-24T13:30:00.002-04:00

Carly and I had a playdate today with another mommy and her baby. We had a blast. It was so refreshing to just be able to talk with another mother and not have to worry about any problems that we may have in our lives. It is so nice to get to know other mothers and have Carly get to know more children.

SO tired..

2008-09-23T16:35:00.002-04:00

Well, I had to be at work today at 6:30 and didn't get off until 3pm. Now I have to go back in at 9pm and work until 11pm because someone didn't schedule a closing cashier. Normally that wouldn't be a big deal but the store is having a floor strip tonight and everything needs to be pulled up off the floor. Guess who gets to help with that?

Productivity

2008-09-21T10:47:00.002-04:00

We were very productive yesterday. Cleaned out the shed and put a bunch of stuff on Wilmington Yard Sales, Love Love Love that site! After we cleaned out the shed, we decided to go get lunch and take Carly to the park. Well, she got hurt. We had to take her to the doctor and after waiting and hour and a half they say it is just a strained muscle and that there is nothing that can be done. I swear, doctors really are worthless.

Vacation is 2 weeks away...

2008-09-19T09:08:00.003-04:00

I can't wait. I need time away from my job, away from everything for a while. It seems that the only person I can rely on is my husband and I thank God for him. He is my strength and my life. We have been married for almost 5 years now and while we have had some bad times, some really bad times, we always seem to make it work. He is the one true friend I have. This vacation is going to be interesting because I had a bunch of playdates lined up for Carly and now that they are all gone we aren't going to be doing much. It is a shame things didn't work out for us but that is ok. We are moving on and maybe this other group will be what we are looking for. More later!

So disappointed...

2008-09-18T17:28:00.002-04:00

I am absolutley crushed. I was supposed to go out to a Mom's night out tonight and to one of my favorite places. I was set to go, had talked it over with my hubby and everything was good. Then I get home from work today just to see that everyone had cancelled at the last minute with no explaination. This is not the first time this has happened to me with these people and now I am just tired of it. I know most of you that read my blogs are part of this group and I want to say that some of you are really great. I love you as the strong women you are and I mean not to offend you but my words cannot be unsaid any longer.

Just a fun tid bit..

2008-09-17T09:02:00.002-04:00

So Carly is almost 15 months old. She had been walking for almost 2 months. Before she started walking she wanted nothing to do with anything on her feet. Now that she can around, all she wants is SHOES! That is the first thing she says when she wakes up in the morning. SHOES! SHOES! SHOES! It is the funniest thing. This morning we are taking a lazy day and she wants me to put her shoes on her. LOL. I told her No baby no shoes this morning and she started crying. Isn't she such a little prissy thing? Just thought it was funny.

Done with the doctor

2008-09-16T11:22:00.002-04:00

So my birth control is out and know I have to do research to find out how long it should take for my body to return to regular cycles. Now it is time for the fun past... baby making! LOL

A little anxious

2008-09-15T10:37:00.002-04:00

Tomorrow I am going to the doctor to get my Mirena removed. James and I are ready to have another child. But I am a little nervous. My first pregnancy wasn't easy for me at all. I had a very hard time. It didn't take us all that long to get pregnant. I think it was 2 months. But I was pretty much on bedrest for the 1st 2 months because I was so sick. I actually lost 10 pounds in my first trimester. I hope things are different this time around. I am just not sure what to expect. Wish us luck!

Finally back to myself,

2008-09-12T21:39:00.002-04:00

I am finally starting to feel like my old self again. I am so tired of being sick. With the antibiotics and anti naseua meds I am doing much better. Finally being able eat again. Food! YUMMY!

We are supposed to go to Raleigh tomorrow to see James' sister get married but with the price of gas sky rocketing here I am not sure we can afford to put gas in the car twice in 3 days. So we are going to wait until tomorrow and see what happens.

Wish us luck!

It's been a couple days...

2008-09-11T17:12:00.003-04:00

So a few days have gone by since I posted a new blog. I have been sick, really sick. I started getting sick at work on Sunday night, then at 8:30pm (while I was still at work) I started throwing up. And I kept on throwing up all through Sunday night. Then Monday came and we went to court. I was fine all through court and even ate some pizza at Fat Tony's for lunch. Well, then around 4PM I started feeling sick again. Again, at 8:30PM, I started throwing up again. So I was thinking how weird it was that I was getting sick at exactly 8:30PM 2 nights in a row. On Tuesday, I woke up neaseuse, so I went and bought a pregnancy test. It came back negative. So when James got home from work, we dropped Carly off at Mom and Dad's and took me to the dr. They drew some blood and gave me a shot to make me stop throwing up. I was out at 7:30 that night. Wednesday, I had to go to work. It was a very long day for me. I finally got home and called the dr. back and they said my blood work was fine. So they said I prob. got a bad case of food poisioning. They gave me some antibiotics and some pills so I wouldn't be sick anymore. Doctors sucks.

Just a quick one..

2008-09-08T19:04:00.001-04:00

We were in court all day. Finally done with it. Now I feel sick. I feel like I did when I was 1st pregnant with Carly. Ugh... Not a good feeling. Will keep you guys updated.

About last night...

2008-09-07T11:13:00.003-04:00

Oh my goodness! I tell you I had the most fun last night out with the girls. Lots of laughing, and drinking, and singing, and drinking and talking and did I mention drinking? It was a blast. These woman were great to be around and for once and a long time I didn't feel left out or uncomfortable. I fit right in. Thank you girls for showing me a fun time. I really enjoied myself.

Vacation update...

2008-09-06T09:20:00.002-04:00

While the storm was here last night James and I started doing some research to see what we could afford so we could get awayfor a little while. I went to hotels.com and typed in Myrtle Beach. A bunch of hotels popped up. We went to a bunch of the hotels' websites and we found one that we liked so we we put in our vacation dates. BINGO! We got an awesome deal. Fora 5 day 4 night stay the room is only going to be $158.64! CHEAP! We can afford that. It is a small room but hey we aren't going to be in the room that much anyways right? So we are very excited. Looks like things are starting to turn around for us after all.

Guess I better update everyone for after the storm. We have power and never lost it. It really doesn't even look like anything ever came. No limbs in the yard, no water in the yard, nothing blown over. Just a heavy shower over here really. Although there was heavy wind. All and all, no big deal.

Finding my faith

2008-09-05T11:50:00.002-04:00

The time has come for me to start trying to find my faith. I have felt this tug at my heart now for quite sometime and everyday that passes the tug gets stronger and stronger. I want to have faith and I believe in Him I just have to figure out how to get it in my life. I have started talking and praying to Him and I feel that now is the time to get my life on track. With a toddler at home and a husband I love so much, I know that we both want to find our faith. But I have to find my faith first and then I can help my hubby find his. We have both been through so much, religion wise, and it has taken me 10 years to get over it.

Now I feel that I can forgive and move on. Those people back then didn't know what they were saying. Now that I have forgiven maybe I can find my own faith. I know it won't happen overnight and it will take some time, but with my belief and my newly discovered friends, I am sure in time I will find my faith.

Crazy at work..

2008-09-04T20:21:00.003-04:00

I tell you can work possibly kill me anymore? I went into work at 6:30am and I was actually really far ahead than usual which I was really syched by. Then all hell broke loose. Customers started coming in. And they kept coming ALL DAY LONG! Buying water, 40 gallons at a time. No I am not kidding. I had 2 customers come through my line and by 40 gallons of water! What the hell are you going to do with all of that? I mean, I know there is a storm and all but 40 gallons? Seriously people, calm down. It's going to be ok. Plus, people buying 8-10 loaves of bread. And this was happening at 8 am. I needed a loaf of bread so I went over tot he bread aisle and the bread was almost all gone. 1 hour after we opened our doors. I know that some people freak out when even the thought of a storm is mentioned but you have to give other people the basic needs in life. Stop buying it all for yourself because you are scared you are going to be left alone for weeks and weeks at a time. Not going to happen.

On top of that, I was suppose to leave at 3pm today. You know what time I got out of there? 5:30pm! That's right! 11 hour day. Lucky me.

Some disappointing news.

2008-09-03T00:01:00.002-04:00

So James and I have been planning our 1st family vacation for about 2 months now and we were planning on taking it the first full week of October. First we were going to DC, his cousins live up there and they said we could stay with them anytime we wanted. But then they never got back to us. So then we decided we would go to the Virginia Beach area. I have a cousin that lives up there and they wanted us to come up and stay with them for a while. We were all set to go and then we find out that they are going to have to work that whole week that we are there. no big deal to us. We didn't care. We would just go shopping and stuff until they got home, you know, and then spend time with them. Well, they didn't like that. They want us to come while they are off. Sorry, we can change our whole vacation days because you are working. I know it isn't their fault but geez! Something has got to start going right for us around here. Now we are stuck at home, again, like we always do because we can't afford a rental car AND a hotel. I am so bummed right now.

Tuesday morning..

2008-09-02T09:41:00.002-04:00

Carly and I are both sick this morning. We both have pretty bad colds. Daddy has a cold too. Weird though because we don't usually get sick in the summer. I think something is going around because a lot of people are sick at work. Who knows.

I have to go to work again tonight. I so don't like working on Tuesday nights. We have have to take everything down because our sale ends tonight. Too much work. But they trust me to get it all done and I always do. I wonder what would happen if I became a slacker? Hell, that's what half the people at work do anyways and they seem to get away with it. Maybe I can... I doubt it though.

Well, I gotta go chase after my child. She's running all around the house this morning. At least she seems to be ok being sick.

First One

2008-09-01T19:55:00.000-04:00

Ok, So This is my first blog on here and I intend for this to be like my diary. For those of you who don't know me, or don't know me well, I am very open and if there is ever anything that is on my mind, you will know. I don't hide anything from anyone. Just a fair warning to those who may read my blogs.

Today I had to work. Working on Labor day. How much fun is that? We were so slow at work today. I get so tired of working so much. But, at least I won the Employee of the Month for September. That's not bad. Got a free $25 gift card. I chose Toys r Us so we can use it on Carly.

Well, that's all for today. More to come tomorrow hopefully!