Thursday, December 30, 2010

The End But The Beginning...

So I have decided that this post will be my last blog post on this blog. I am going to create a new blog since this one just has so much pain for me to keep holding onto. It isn't healthy and I have grown so much just in this past year. Thank you all that have followed this one and look out for the new blog coming ASAP!

Thursday, January 7, 2010

2009 recap 2010 restart

So I was going to do this blog like a week ago but I keeped on forgetting. LOL So I am going to do it now while it fresh on my brain.

2009 was a tough year for me emotionally and spiritually. Let me start at the beginning:

January started as a normal new year. I was newly pregnant and we were readjusting to the pregancy thing again.. Then about a week into the new year, tradgedy struck and I miscarried that pregnancy unfortunatley. Looking back now, I think I went back to work too soon. I only took 2 days off. I really should have taken at least 4 or 5 days. But I pushed myself to get back onto my feet. The rest on January went by uneventful. I guess that was enough stress to deal with in one month huh?

February was a fresh start. Valentines day came and went with no major crisis. At the end of February I even went on a Mom's Night Out. Guess you ladies will never know what happen at that club huh? LOL Oh and Baby Got Back?

March and April went by and this is when we switched churches. We switched our family over to a brand new church that was starting out. So we were adjusting to a new church family and still trying to find our feet in with God.

May started and I realized that something was wrong with me. I was not the happy person I was just a few months ago. So I went to the doctor and told him what was going on and I was diagnoised with post partum depression. I didn't even know that women could get that when they miscarried but the doctor told me that 7 out of 10 women that miscarry end up with it because of the hormones for one leaving the body and then the loss of the child. That makes sense to me now. So they put me on an anti depressive.

June was very uneventful. But we were starting to prepare for Carly's 2nd birthday party which was enough for me to handle.

July is when our sweet little baby turned 2. She wasn't a baby or a toddler anymore. She is a big girl. :( So sad she is growing up so fast. We had a big party and a bunch of her friends attended to make it even more special. Fun times. But as the end of July came around things started going sour with a bunch of my friends and we stopped communicating at that time. That was hard for me to deal with but onto the next month I had to go.

August started our busy period. My sister's birthday is in August so is James' sister too. And they are close together as well. We like to think of August through December as our busy period.

Spetember was uneventful as well. Working and taking care of Carly.

October. Talk about a busy month! James has his birthday in October as does his brother in law, my brother and James' mom! Plus Halloween on top of that. Carly went to several events for Halloween. Loaded up on the candy that we got to eat! ;)

November we had our vacation. We took vacation during our 6th year anniversary. And of my gosh it was one of the best anniversarys ever! Sunday night of our anniversary we went to dinner and a movie, which we NEVER do. That Monday we went to Duplin Winery which was SO much fun! We also got the chance to stay with James cousins up near Raleigh for our first overnight stay with Carly. It didn't go too bad. Of course we had Thanksgiving with our family which was great! I also attended a babyshower with all those friends of mine that we had gotten disconected from. The shower was great and that got us all to talk. It made me realize how much I missed them all.

December was a rush of events too! My birthday, my dad's birthday and of course our Heavenly Father's birthday. But in the middle of all that we had another life altering event. I found out I was pregnant again. But this time I didn't tell anyone. Not even James. 2 days later I miscarried. Another hard event for me to overcome, by myself this time, but it really wasn't anywhere near as hard as the last time. I continued to work as normal. And do the things I normally do. I did finally tell James what happen so you guys don't need to lecture me on that! :D We decided between the two of us that we are hanging up the stocking of trying to get pregnant for now. If it happens ok but we are not going to try anymore. I need to take care of myself. Santa Clause came and went and the child got ENTIRELY too mush for Christmas... Thanks Santa! ;) And to wind out the year on New Year's Eve we were in bed asleep by 10pm tops! LOL We were so tired.

So that is the recap from 2009. On to 2010...

We are only 1 week into 2010 and we have already made some very important decisions in our life:

~No more meals out! We realized that we eat out WAY too much. At least 3-4 times a week. So we have limited ourselfs to 1 dinner out a week. Pizza or chinesse food or McDonald's burgers. That's it. No more buying munch at work for me, or stopping at McDonald's on the way home.

~We cut out our home phone and cable. We now only have basic basic cable. You know the local channel plus a few extras. We have the magicJack for our home phone service and so far we like it. We subscribed to NetFlix so we won't get bored and we already LOVE it.

~We cut our grocery budget down. We are still unsure of exactly how much we need to keep it too but we will get a number as the months go by.

~Our goal is to be able to save $250.00 by the end of the month. I know that isn't a lot but we are taking baby steps to get to where we want to be.

That's about it for now. I am exhausted after typing all of this! LOL Just a little recap of our life last year and so far this year. Lwt me close by thanking God for everything we have acheived so far and allowing me to share mt story. :)

God bless all of you, oh and please, I know most of you are finding out about our 2nd miscarriage for the first time, don't worry about us. We are good, and it is all in God's hands!

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Thank You Jesus!

One year ago, I accepted Jesus into my life. That was a powerful moment. I can still tell you who was with me and where it happen. It all seems like just yesterday.

I was in my living room after church when we recieved a phone call. It was from a friend of mine asking if we would mind a visit from some fellow church members. We said sure and within a few minutes there were a total of 6 of us sitting in our living room discussing what James and I thought of the church. The conversation casually turned into if we believed in Jesus. As we sat there and talked with these people my friend was sitting right beside me. She was squeezing my hand the entire time, encouraging me silently to ask any questions I had. No judgement was ever cast down on me. It was a brand new experiance for me.

Usually when asked about my beliefs there was nothing but judgement but these people made me feel safe in a way to lay everything out there for them. In that moment I felt this overwhelming feeling of love. These strangers that didn't even know who I was were hoding there hands out to me telling me that it was ok to take the dive. It was ok to walk blindly into a faith I had no knowledge about. It was ok as long as I knew that Jesus loves me and that he died for ME. These people really opened my eyes and helped show me that Jesus is real. Just in that short amount of time talking with them. JESUS IS REAL!

That day was October 12, 2008. I know now that Jesus is with me everyday. He loves me for my faults and failures. He loves me weather I go to church or not. He loves me because He is in my heart, in my life.

All these people that came to my house that day I really owe them a big thank you. I know that they will say that I owe them nothing, that it was my time to know Jesus and accept Jesus. God was using them as an instrument to assist me in finding my way back to Him. But I still think that if it wasn't because of them I would not know Jesus. I would still be walking around as a lost soul.

To that friend of mine who sat there and held my hand the whole time, I owe you more than you will ever know. I know we both have a lot going on in our lives right now but I want you to know that you have done more for me than just encourage me. You have helped answer my questions that I have had along the way and have never once judged me for anything that I have asked. I hope you know that you have helped me be a better person and a better mother and wife. Without you I really have no idea waht my life would be like right now.

Over the past year I have discovered a lot about myself. I have learned a lot from God and what he wants me to do. Right now, I feel like I am at a stand still. For a long time I felt like I was slipping backwards but now I just feel like I am standing still. I have no church family, or anyone to talk to about my questions regarding my faith anymore but still somehow I find myself sharing Jesus everyday. I know this a growing point for me through Him. I have to have faith that He knows exactly what He is doing and that He is guiding me in the right direction.

I hope that one day I can share my story with Carly in hopes that she can make the decision that she sees that is right for herself. Until that day I can only give her the knowledge that I have and hope that is good enough!

Love you all that read this and talk to you soon! <3

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Anticipation and patience

I have disconnected myself from a lot of people in the past 3 months. It has been a rough road but I feel like I have made the right decision. I don't feel as pressured to be a certain way anymore.

A couple of months ago I was losing myself. I was trying to make everyone else happy and forgetting about my own happiness. AS long as I was well liked it didn't matter. Then I had reality hit me in the face hard and it tested the strengths that I had within myself and the people I know. I finally found that I was not being true to myself. And that was not what I had worked so hard on in my past to be.

The pieces of my life have been put back together and I can now face what I had left behind. I am going to slowly start to try to rebuild these relationships that I had lost but this time I know not to change myself. These people did help me out a lot. I love them like sisters but I was trying to be something I will never be.

Sometimes it takes being at the bottom to see the light at the end of the tunnell.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

39 weeks and a couple days later

As some of you remember, back in Janurary James and I suffered the most heartbreaking experiance od our lives... we miscarried at almost 7 weeks being pregnant. This fact still creeps into my head on a daily basis of the thought of "What ifs?" It has been a long and painful road. This week has got to be one of the harder weeks for me personally since right now I would have been holding that little bundle of joy in my arms.

On December 25, 2008 we found out we were pregnant with our 2nd child. We where thrilled and couldn't have asked for a better Christmas present than that!?!?! We had been trying to get pregnant and it had finally happened again. We were so happy. We told all of our friends and family who where also thrilled for us.

Then on Janurary 7, 2009 I was at work. That morning I had a feeling that something wasn't right but I couldn't put my finger on it. Then at 8:35am it happen. It was the worst experiance of my life and I don't wish it on anyone. I was in the doctors office crying by myself at his desk. James was at work and I didn't want to upset him since I had already left work early. The doctor came in and verified what I already new. He wrote me a few prescriptions for pain, infection and anit-depressant and I was on my way.

I remember going back to my mom's house since she was watching Carly for me and laying down on the couch and after that everything was kind of a fuzz. For 2 days I really don't remember what was going on. I remember sleeping a lot and I do remember building a gingerbread house and my SIL coming over with flowers with her and her hubby's sympathy. Thank God my mom was there to watch Carly for us.

What makes this really hard on me right now is that I would have had our baby right now. I would have been 39 weeks and a couple days and since I would have had a schedule c-section I know I would have delivered by now. This week would have been the week. It is hard to think about us not having our baby in our hands. I don't want to forget that baby that I had growing inside me for 7 weeks. That baby will always be my child even if I never really knew them. I know they are up with Jesus right now, fulfilling their purpose.

I have never once asked "Why me?" God has a plan and I know that this fit into that plan somehow. Trusting in the Lord has taken on a completley different meaning to me now that all this has happen.

What also makes things hard right now is that it seems like most of the women around me are pregnant and I so want to be pregnant too. This is one of the reasons I have pulled away from some of you. It is just really hard for me to think about all of this going right now, especially right now.

I know things will work their way out, it is just going to take some time. Overflowing sadness accompanies me this week. I am just glad I am done working until Saturday night. Gives me time to think about everything right now.

Well, that is all for now. It has been a while since I have laid it all out there. God is good!

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Just another day

So today was just another day. Woke up, did a little grocery shopping, went to go spend a little time with Carly then went to work.

The day had gone fine up to the point when I had to go to work. And really work was fine until I found out who the closing manager was. Let's just say that this guy is a year younger than me and has that holier than thou attitude. Well, I did really well up to the point where I asked him to do a simple task for me. He told me no that I could do it. So I didn't argue and just did it. I came back up front and he is still standing there and then asks "See... That wasn't that hard was it?" Now he was really starting to tick me off. A little while later he came back up front and asked me for a particular report. I told him that all the reports were already done, that I had taken care of it anyways. He said he still wanted to see it. Ok fine. I bring it to him to see it. Then this is where I lost my cool. He said and these were his words exactly "Woman! When I ask for something you better bring it."

Now let me explain something to you. The only person in this world that can call me woman is my hubby and it had better be in the right tone of voice. I completely lost my cool. I won't going into detail as to what I said because I am not proud of it but I think I got my point accross. I just get so tired of sexism. It is crazy!

So I get off of work and come home and I was just going to post this first part on here but I read a friend of mine blog. It really knocked my socks off. Maybe this is God's way for me to start understanding were other people are coming from. Or maybe this is a way for me to reach out to these people. This guy is obviously crying out for attention to be talking to me in that manner. Maybe he hasn't meet Jesus Christ yet and God is trying to use me to show him who Jesus is. I don't know. But reading my friends blog really just has my eyes open to my surroundings. My eyes were only on myself before and while that is ok maybe I need to branch out and open my eyes to what is around.

I have been praying for a while for God to guide me in the direction I need to go next but I haven't been letting Him show me. I want an easy answer to my prayers but that just isn't the case because then I wouldn't appreciate it. I am not good at being patient but maybe if I develop that ability then maybe He will start allowing me to see where I need to go.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

All I ever wanted

All I ever wanted was to have a wonderful loving and compassionate set of friends and family who really understand who I am and what I am worth. I can't choose my family but thank God He gave me my family. But I can choose my friends.

I am 25 years old and in high school I had a good bunch of friends. We went to each others houses, we would road trip to Myrtle Beach, go to the mall.... all kinds of things. As high school ended we all went our different ways. Since then, I have tried to find a new set of friends to do the same types of things with. Chit chat sessions, sisters to grow with. It is very hard to travel this road of life without a group of sisters. And it is so hard to find a group of sisters that will not judge or pressure you.

Since high school, I have had "friends" that were not good friends. I have been burned so many times with my "sisters" that it is hard to trust again. It is like if you have ever been in a relationship and you get cheated on and find out. Not a great feeling. Something you have to push through and move on from but then you get into another relationship that is the exact same thing. IT SUCKS. That is what I have been dealing with. It hurts and it isn't fair. It is time for me to weed out all the bad and surround myself with the good people in my life.

A person can only give so much before the rope breaks. My rope had broken and now it is time for me to piece it back together. I refuse to go through these fake motions anymore. It's not fait to me or my family.