Starting over

So I am starting to think that maybe I might be the problem in all of my friendships that I have.

No seriously. I am one person to say that I don't like drama and BS and all of that but it seems here lately that I am looking for it. I am looking for a reason to cause problems and I am saying things that are hurtful and mean and it just doesn't make sense.

All my life, I have been the nurturer. People come to me for comforting when they have problems and just need a laugh. I loved helping people out. At one point I even considered being some kind of doctor.

But ever since October, things have started chaging. I have become spitful and hateful. I have become very untrusting and thinking that people are after me.

I used to be able to read people very well. But now... I don't know. I want me back. I want the old Dawn back. But what can I do? I don't know what has come over me here latley. How do I go from such an easy, going nice and loving person to a hateful, mean, unloving person. Is that even possible?

Or is it that since this awful thing happen to our family I am trying to bring everyone else down? Or is it something else? I don't know! And it is driving me nuts! UGH! I AM NOT THIS KIND OF PERSON!

To all my friends out there that I may have hurt and upset, please know that I am very, very sorry. I am sitting here typing this almost in tears. It hurts me so bad.

Why?

Why does the Devil always seem to find his way into our lives. My last post was about helping those in need out for the holidays and i was all set to help a family out. Then come to find out from others that were helping them too, that this family is a scam artist. They take the items people give to them for free and pawn the stuff off.

We are such good people, and I know God has a purpose for us, but it seems that here lately everytime we try to help people we always end getting bitten in the rear and wind up getting hurt. Now, thankfully, we hadn't given anything to this family yet, and just because this family is not truthful doesn't mean that other families are the same way. But I am starting to think that maybe I need to step back for a while.

I have been focusing so much on other people that I am forgetting myself. I don't even know who I am anymore. I am not a happy person, I am always sad and depressed. I just can't kick this thing... It irritates me so mcuh too because I am not usually an unhappy person. I love being happy and I love my life that the Lord has blessed me with. I just can't seem to pull myslef out of this black whole I am in.

Some days I wake up and I don't even want to get out of bed. Some days I just want to cry all day and other days I feel numb to everything. I think that if I can just make it until tomorrow, things will get better. But they don't. Between taking care of the house, my job, my family, and my faith I am losing myself even farther. And now i can't figure out how to get back.

I have been on this road now for sometime and I can feel a fork coming in the road where I am going to have to choose my path. But which do I take? And what does each path hold for me?

I am heading for an emotional breakdown and I am lost of what to do... Prayer is what people tell me but I don't even have the energy for that. BUT the one joy of my day is getting in the car and turning on the radio to listen to my Christian station. In those couple minutes that I am driving around I just feel joy... If I could only figure out how to incorporate the music in my life.