Why?

Why does the Devil always seem to find his way into our lives. My last post was about helping those in need out for the holidays and i was all set to help a family out. Then come to find out from others that were helping them too, that this family is a scam artist. They take the items people give to them for free and pawn the stuff off.

We are such good people, and I know God has a purpose for us, but it seems that here lately everytime we try to help people we always end getting bitten in the rear and wind up getting hurt. Now, thankfully, we hadn't given anything to this family yet, and just because this family is not truthful doesn't mean that other families are the same way. But I am starting to think that maybe I need to step back for a while.

I have been focusing so much on other people that I am forgetting myself. I don't even know who I am anymore. I am not a happy person, I am always sad and depressed. I just can't kick this thing... It irritates me so mcuh too because I am not usually an unhappy person. I love being happy and I love my life that the Lord has blessed me with. I just can't seem to pull myslef out of this black whole I am in.

Some days I wake up and I don't even want to get out of bed. Some days I just want to cry all day and other days I feel numb to everything. I think that if I can just make it until tomorrow, things will get better. But they don't. Between taking care of the house, my job, my family, and my faith I am losing myself even farther. And now i can't figure out how to get back.

I have been on this road now for sometime and I can feel a fork coming in the road where I am going to have to choose my path. But which do I take? And what does each path hold for me?

I am heading for an emotional breakdown and I am lost of what to do... Prayer is what people tell me but I don't even have the energy for that. BUT the one joy of my day is getting in the car and turning on the radio to listen to my Christian station. In those couple minutes that I am driving around I just feel joy... If I could only figure out how to incorporate the music in my life.

And just when you start loosing faith

Something happens and you find it again. And when you find it, your faith seems to be even more powerful than before.

These past couple weeks have been really tough for us. As I am sure you can tell by reading my previous blogs. I had almost given up on trusting God. I was questioning why I should be where I am at and if this was the right choice for me. Well, this week I had an awakening.

I am not really sure what happen. I am not doing anything different than before. But I was at work today and I got a peak at next weeks schedule. I noticed that they had me working 5 days next week. 4 of the days were morning shifts and 1 was a night shift. First of all, I don't work 5 days. It is too much for me. And 2nd, I am the strongest supervisor they have. Not to toot my own horn or anything but they know it. I would think they would schedule me to work more nights because of all the business next week. Well, after arguing with my manager for 2 hours, I finally got a sense of peace about me. I didn't get my way but I felt this tug telling me to stop arguing and that everything was going to be fine.

So I just stopped. I walked away and left it as be. I am still working 5 days next week but maybe the week after that work will give me an additonal day off for working so much this week. I am not even stressing out about my job anymore and I know God did that for me. I know He will take care of everything. He always watches out for me and will not put more on me than I can take.

This simple act of walking away has restored my faith in God. I guess sometimes you have to walk away and almost give up to really understand how much He loves you and wants you to get back to Him. I am sure I will lots more moments in my life in which I question Him but I know He will always lead me back to Him. the light may not always be bright but it will ALWAYS be there.

Loosing faith

So I just read a friends blog and her blog was about a devotional that we both recieved. It was about how all of us are still newborns in many ways with God.

I thought it was a wake up call to me as well. These past 2 months have been, to be honest with you, some of the hardest times in my life. I don't trust people very easily and now I am having to trust someone I can't even see? That takes guts.

I am like a newborn so much when it comes to God. I am becoming so discouraged in my path to find peace with Him. I feel like I am wondering off the lighted path that He has shown me and I
am falling more and more closer to the Devil. I hate that I getting off the lighted path that God has shown me. It hurts me but in the same way, isn't it easier sometimes for us to take the path that Satan wants us too? I mean Satan knows what it is we want, or what our weaknesses are.

Lately, Satan has been telling me things that are very hard for me not to believe. For example, I am having a very hard time with our Sunday School class. Every week I go, I get more and more discouraged because I do not understand what is being talked about 3/4 of the time. So Satan is urging me to quit going to the class. He is telling me to stop wasting my time, that it isn't worth it. And I am starting to listen. I don't want to ask questions in the class and look/sound like an idiot because I don't know who Issaih is (or Mark or John or any of those people). So wouldn't be easier for me to quit? That's what Satan wants. He wants me to fail. I don't want to fail though, but I don't want to keep getting confused.

Another example, I used to be really good about reading my Bible and praying everyday. Now I never pray and I pick up my Bible maybe twice a week. I keep finding excuses for not doing it. I am so busy with my jobs and with Carly and now the holidays. Isn't the saying that "If Satan can't make you bad than he will make you busy." Well he sure is doing a good job at this because I am so busy. I don't even have the energy to make dinner.

As I slip farther and farther away from the lighted path, I feel that my relationships with my new friends are growing farther and farther a part. I don't want to be one of those 2 faced people. I do believe in God and I know that Jesus dies on the cross for all my sins. I love God and Jesus and The Holy Spirit. I can just feel myself slipping away.

But I am not one to give up on a fight. I know that everyone goes through periods of questioning if what they believe is right. I just have to find my way back onto the lighted path. Baby steps. That is all God is asking for right?

Going through a rough patch

Sometimes you wonder what or how you got into situations that you are in. Why is stuff always happening to us for? I still think that sometimes but the difference now is that I pray for the reasons. We had something absolutley awful happen to us this week. Both of us were very very very upset. At first, we blamed God. I know that is not the right thing to do but it is natural for us. Then we remembered that God does not allow more to happen to us than we can handle. So we prayed on it. GOd answered our prays and while we are still in very bad situation we know that if we continue to pray and allow Him to take over things ARE going to get better. Everything happens for a reason right?

I awoke this morning...

not knowing what exactly to expect. My heart had already belonged to God but today was the day for me to publicly announce it to the world. Now, I have never been baptized. I have never seen anyone get baptized before. This was going to be a brand new experiance for me. I had just found out yesterday that James was going to get baptized with me. That was so awesome. We only get 1 chance to get baptized together and I am so glad that he decided to go with me. This was one of the best things that ever happen to me in my life. I went first and Derik had talked all of us through the baptism before it started. Then the video screen wouldn't go up. It was a little funny because no one could figure out why. So 2 other guys came back and held the screen up while we were getting baptized. Today is a day I will deffanitly remember for the rest of my life. My life is changed now. When I woke up this morning, I had 2 sisters and 1 brother. Now, I have a whole congregation of brothers and sisters that accept us as there own flesh and blood. It was all a little overwheleming because at the end of the sermon, all of us that were baptized were asked to step to the front to recieve our certificates of baptisms. As we were getting those certificates everyone stepped up to us and gave us hugs and congratualted us. We both felt like we belonged. Thanks to all my new found brothers and sisters for making us feel welecome and I hope to get to know all of you better.

Finding faith In God

James and I have been together for almost 7 years now and not once have we gone to church together. Well, we went for the first time today and I think that both of us are changed for the better. We filled out a guest card when we left and later today they called asking if it would be ok for a visit. We said yes.

Now, usually, when church pleople come by it us all about preaching to us about what we are doing wrong and how we need to better our lives so we were a bit apprehensive at first but we figured why not. What did we have to loose?

Nothing! We gained insight to the best church we have ever stepped foot in and let me tell you it was an eye opening experiance. Everyone was laid back and we felt welcome from the first step onto the property! Never have we been welcome like that. It was so overwhelming!

But now both James and I have accepted Christ as our one and only Savior and we are on our way to knowing Him and His life! We want Him in our lives and we NEED Him in our lives.

Thanks to Randi Jo and Brandon for opening there arms and welcoming us so warmly into their church. Both of us really do appreciate it!

Finding my faith

The time has come for me to start trying to find my faith. I have felt this tug at my heart now for quite sometime and everyday that passes the tug gets stronger and stronger. I want to have faith and I believe in Him I just have to figure out how to get it in my life. I have started talking and praying to Him and I feel that now is the time to get my life on track. With a toddler at home and a husband I love so much, I know that we both want to find our faith. But I have to find my faith first and then I can help my hubby find his. We have both been through so much, religion wise, and it has taken me 10 years to get over it.

Now I feel that I can forgive and move on. Those people back then didn't know what they were saying. Now that I have forgiven maybe I can find my own faith. I know it won't happen overnight and it will take some time, but with my belief and my newly discovered friends, I am sure in time I will find my faith.