Starting over

So I am starting to think that maybe I might be the problem in all of my friendships that I have.

No seriously. I am one person to say that I don't like drama and BS and all of that but it seems here lately that I am looking for it. I am looking for a reason to cause problems and I am saying things that are hurtful and mean and it just doesn't make sense.

All my life, I have been the nurturer. People come to me for comforting when they have problems and just need a laugh. I loved helping people out. At one point I even considered being some kind of doctor.

But ever since October, things have started chaging. I have become spitful and hateful. I have become very untrusting and thinking that people are after me.

I used to be able to read people very well. But now... I don't know. I want me back. I want the old Dawn back. But what can I do? I don't know what has come over me here latley. How do I go from such an easy, going nice and loving person to a hateful, mean, unloving person. Is that even possible?

Or is it that since this awful thing happen to our family I am trying to bring everyone else down? Or is it something else? I don't know! And it is driving me nuts! UGH! I AM NOT THIS KIND OF PERSON!

To all my friends out there that I may have hurt and upset, please know that I am very, very sorry. I am sitting here typing this almost in tears. It hurts me so bad.

Misunderstandings & Mixed Blessings

When I first started going to church I met this wonderful couple and they helped guide us back to Christ. They are very nice people and we love them very much. At the same time that we were finding Christ, other things were going on in our lives and just conviently things started to fall into place. But as soon as we got baptized something seemed to change.


We had situations come up where we weren't able to come to church. James had the opportunity to take another position in his company and the Devil started messing with our relationships. And let me tell you, Satan is suceeding very well at trying to tear our relationships.

Not only is he toying with our friendships, Satan is toying with our emotions.

We ended getting pregnant and finding out on Christmas Day. We were so excited! We were trying to have a second baby and finally God had decided it was our time. We told everyone and I made my dr appointment but something just didn't feel right. I had a feeling like something was wrong. But I didn't know what it was.

Well, on January 8, 2008 at 8:30AM I miscarried. This has been the hardest thing oue family has ever been through. I went through and am still going through a whirlwind of emotions.

First, I cried. And cried and cried and cried. I did that for the almost 4 hours. After that 4 hours period and some very good drugs, I became numb. I just didn't feel anything. I knew what had happen but I just didn't know what to do.

Then, around 8pm January 9, 2008 I became angry. I was very pissed off with God for doing this to me. It isn't fair and why did this happen to me. This stage didn't last very long.

Now as I sit here at 1:25am on January 10, 2008 I am sad. Not only because I have lost the life of my baby but I feel as if I am losing one of my sisters. One of my dear friends who I love very deeply. I know that things have been hectic for all of us now but I don't want to lose a sister.

With all of this I am sure there are going to be plenty more tears, lots of hugs and in the end I hope He will help us figure everything else. Give us a healthy baby and to give me my sister back.

Although all of this awfulness has been happening, something good has come from all of this. I gained another sister. We were friends before all of this happen but now I see her as a sister. She has been here through my whole miscarriage and I am very greatful for her!


Love you all and thank you for the continued prayers and support.

I've Forgotten

Even though I was pregnant with Carly just under 2 years ago I have seemlingly forgotten what it is like to be pregnant.

I have been having these really bad mood swings lately. I am up one minute and down the next. And here at work it seems that these customers sense that I am at my breaking point and just go the extra mile to make sure I tip over. Why do people have to be so insensitive?

People keep asking me questions about my pregnancy. Like, when are you due and is it a boy or a girl? I have no clue! I haven't even found a doctor yet and I am only like 5 weeks pregnant. I am starting to think that I should have kept this a secret and not mentioned anything to anyone until I started showing. I regret telling everyone and know it seems like I have to live with it.

I get blank stares from people when they find out, like another one? Didn't you just have a baby not too long ago? Is 26 months appart really that close together? I don't think so. Why can't people just be happy for us. It is our decision not everyone elses so why does it matter to everyone else for?

AND another thing, why is it that because I look young mean that I sleep around with all these guys? I have other people asking me if I know who the father is? oh YEAH! I AM MARRIED! Have been for over 5 years now. Don't you see the ring on my finger?

It just really makes me upset because I try my best not to judge others. That isn't my job. that is God's job. So why do others have to judge me? And at such a sensitive time in my life. Everyday I just want to lock myself in my room and cry for hours. But I can't do that. I have a child that needs my attention. I can't give up.

As for other aspects of my life. What are friends anyway? Why do we have friends for? Growing up my friends were there for me when I was going through hard times... And I had some very scary moments in school. My friends never left my side until we seperated and went to different schools. Now, we all have jobs or lives that we are living and maybe we just don't have the time for the kind of friendships we had in school. But for me a friend is someone who you know that you can lean on.

James is the best friend I have in life. I can lean on him for anything. He will catch me when fall. He knows everything about me. We have no secrets from each other.

Sometimes you need some other friends to lean on. I have been searching for these friends ever since I graduated from high school. It seems like everytime I think I find some friends they end up being totally different than I thought. I have found 1 person other than James that has stayed true to what she showed me for as long as I have known her. I love her like my sister, in fact I see her as my sister.

Lastly, I am so happy that Jesus Christ was introduced to me. I know he died on the cross for my sins. I know He has a plan for me. I may not know that plan yet but I also know that I don't HAVE to know His plan. He will point me in the right direction.

Now, we just have to find what works for us. We have been going to church now for almost 3 months and I am still trying to figure out if this church is the right one for us. We love to format of the church, it is very laid back but to me, it doesn't seem very personable. Very few people acknowledge us every week. And since we don't know a lot of people yet, I don't feel comfortable going up to people and talking to them. So we are going to give this church a few more weeks and see what happens. Who knows except for Him?

Loosing faith

So I just read a friends blog and her blog was about a devotional that we both recieved. It was about how all of us are still newborns in many ways with God.

I thought it was a wake up call to me as well. These past 2 months have been, to be honest with you, some of the hardest times in my life. I don't trust people very easily and now I am having to trust someone I can't even see? That takes guts.

I am like a newborn so much when it comes to God. I am becoming so discouraged in my path to find peace with Him. I feel like I am wondering off the lighted path that He has shown me and I
am falling more and more closer to the Devil. I hate that I getting off the lighted path that God has shown me. It hurts me but in the same way, isn't it easier sometimes for us to take the path that Satan wants us too? I mean Satan knows what it is we want, or what our weaknesses are.

Lately, Satan has been telling me things that are very hard for me not to believe. For example, I am having a very hard time with our Sunday School class. Every week I go, I get more and more discouraged because I do not understand what is being talked about 3/4 of the time. So Satan is urging me to quit going to the class. He is telling me to stop wasting my time, that it isn't worth it. And I am starting to listen. I don't want to ask questions in the class and look/sound like an idiot because I don't know who Issaih is (or Mark or John or any of those people). So wouldn't be easier for me to quit? That's what Satan wants. He wants me to fail. I don't want to fail though, but I don't want to keep getting confused.

Another example, I used to be really good about reading my Bible and praying everyday. Now I never pray and I pick up my Bible maybe twice a week. I keep finding excuses for not doing it. I am so busy with my jobs and with Carly and now the holidays. Isn't the saying that "If Satan can't make you bad than he will make you busy." Well he sure is doing a good job at this because I am so busy. I don't even have the energy to make dinner.

As I slip farther and farther away from the lighted path, I feel that my relationships with my new friends are growing farther and farther a part. I don't want to be one of those 2 faced people. I do believe in God and I know that Jesus dies on the cross for all my sins. I love God and Jesus and The Holy Spirit. I can just feel myself slipping away.

But I am not one to give up on a fight. I know that everyone goes through periods of questioning if what they believe is right. I just have to find my way back onto the lighted path. Baby steps. That is all God is asking for right?

5 years ago

5 years ago today I married my man of my dreams. He was sweet, charming and loving and took very good care of me. Fast forward 5 years and this man is even better. I never thought I could love someone as much as I love him. James has been one of the greatest influences in my life (although at times I have to wonder....) and I can't imagine my life without him.

We have been together for a total of 7 years and out of those 7 years not once had we been to church together up to this past couple weeks. We have done more with our relationship over these past 4 weeks than we have in the 7 years we have been together. We have found God and have meet a few couples that really inspire us to be better people. We went on a marriage retreat and while we got eaten up by mesquitos we learned a lot about ourselves and God. We were never the "Church going" people. We had been turned off to several religions/churches for all kinds of reasons but when we found Southside, we know that God had guided us in the right direction.

God, please help us in continueing to make our relationship blossom day by day. Please let us continue to learn more about each other each day. God, would you please help us get to know you better, love you more each day and help us raise our daughter to know you the way we want to. Please help us continue to grow our relationships with our faithful friends. We know that we are not perfect people and we never can be but help us in teaching us how you want us to be. God we love you and we thank you for keeping us together through everything we have been through together and for helping us stay together for everything to come.