The End But The Beginning...

So I have decided that this post will be my last blog post on this blog. I am going to create a new blog since this one just has so much pain for me to keep holding onto. It isn't healthy and I have grown so much just in this past year. Thank you all that have followed this one and look out for the new blog coming ASAP!

2009 recap 2010 restart

So I was going to do this blog like a week ago but I keeped on forgetting. LOL So I am going to do it now while it fresh on my brain.


2009 was a tough year for me emotionally and spiritually. Let me start at the beginning:

January started as a normal new year. I was newly pregnant and we were readjusting to the pregancy thing again.. Then about a week into the new year, tradgedy struck and I miscarried that pregnancy unfortunatley. Looking back now, I think I went back to work too soon. I only took 2 days off. I really should have taken at least 4 or 5 days. But I pushed myself to get back onto my feet. The rest on January went by uneventful. I guess that was enough stress to deal with in one month huh?

February was a fresh start. Valentines day came and went with no major crisis. At the end of February I even went on a Mom's Night Out. Guess you ladies will never know what happen at that club huh? LOL Oh and Baby Got Back?

March and April went by and this is when we switched churches. We switched our family over to a brand new church that was starting out. So we were adjusting to a new church family and still trying to find our feet in with God.

May started and I realized that something was wrong with me. I was not the happy person I was just a few months ago. So I went to the doctor and told him what was going on and I was diagnoised with post partum depression. I didn't even know that women could get that when they miscarried but the doctor told me that 7 out of 10 women that miscarry end up with it because of the hormones for one leaving the body and then the loss of the child. That makes sense to me now. So they put me on an anti depressive.

June was very uneventful. But we were starting to prepare for Carly's 2nd birthday party which was enough for me to handle.

July is when our sweet little baby turned 2. She wasn't a baby or a toddler anymore. She is a big girl. :( So sad she is growing up so fast. We had a big party and a bunch of her friends attended to make it even more special. Fun times. But as the end of July came around things started going sour with a bunch of my friends and we stopped communicating at that time. That was hard for me to deal with but onto the next month I had to go.

August started our busy period. My sister's birthday is in August so is James' sister too. And they are close together as well. We like to think of August through December as our busy period.

Spetember was uneventful as well. Working and taking care of Carly.

October. Talk about a busy month! James has his birthday in October as does his brother in law, my brother and James' mom! Plus Halloween on top of that. Carly went to several events for Halloween. Loaded up on the candy that we got to eat! ;)

November we had our vacation. We took vacation during our 6th year anniversary. And of my gosh it was one of the best anniversarys ever! Sunday night of our anniversary we went to dinner and a movie, which we NEVER do. That Monday we went to Duplin Winery which was SO much fun! We also got the chance to stay with James cousins up near Raleigh for our first overnight stay with Carly. It didn't go too bad. Of course we had Thanksgiving with our family which was great! I also attended a babyshower with all those friends of mine that we had gotten disconected from. The shower was great and that got us all to talk. It made me realize how much I missed them all.

December was a rush of events too! My birthday, my dad's birthday and of course our Heavenly Father's birthday. But in the middle of all that we had another life altering event. I found out I was pregnant again. But this time I didn't tell anyone. Not even James. 2 days later I miscarried. Another hard event for me to overcome, by myself this time, but it really wasn't anywhere near as hard as the last time. I continued to work as normal. And do the things I normally do. I did finally tell James what happen so you guys don't need to lecture me on that! :D We decided between the two of us that we are hanging up the stocking of trying to get pregnant for now. If it happens ok but we are not going to try anymore. I need to take care of myself. Santa Clause came and went and the child got ENTIRELY too mush for Christmas... Thanks Santa! ;) And to wind out the year on New Year's Eve we were in bed asleep by 10pm tops! LOL We were so tired.

So that is the recap from 2009. On to 2010...

We are only 1 week into 2010 and we have already made some very important decisions in our life:

~No more meals out! We realized that we eat out WAY too much. At least 3-4 times a week. So we have limited ourselfs to 1 dinner out a week. Pizza or chinesse food or McDonald's burgers. That's it. No more buying munch at work for me, or stopping at McDonald's on the way home.

~We cut out our home phone and cable. We now only have basic basic cable. You know the local channel plus a few extras. We have the magicJack for our home phone service and so far we like it. We subscribed to NetFlix so we won't get bored and we already LOVE it.

~We cut our grocery budget down. We are still unsure of exactly how much we need to keep it too but we will get a number as the months go by.

~Our goal is to be able to save $250.00 by the end of the month. I know that isn't a lot but we are taking baby steps to get to where we want to be.

That's about it for now. I am exhausted after typing all of this! LOL Just a little recap of our life last year and so far this year. Lwt me close by thanking God for everything we have acheived so far and allowing me to share mt story. :)

God bless all of you, oh and please, I know most of you are finding out about our 2nd miscarriage for the first time, don't worry about us. We are good, and it is all in God's hands!

Thank You Jesus!

One year ago, I accepted Jesus into my life. That was a powerful moment. I can still tell you who was with me and where it happen. It all seems like just yesterday.

I was in my living room after church when we recieved a phone call. It was from a friend of mine asking if we would mind a visit from some fellow church members. We said sure and within a few minutes there were a total of 6 of us sitting in our living room discussing what James and I thought of the church. The conversation casually turned into if we believed in Jesus. As we sat there and talked with these people my friend was sitting right beside me. She was squeezing my hand the entire time, encouraging me silently to ask any questions I had. No judgement was ever cast down on me. It was a brand new experiance for me.

Usually when asked about my beliefs there was nothing but judgement but these people made me feel safe in a way to lay everything out there for them. In that moment I felt this overwhelming feeling of love. These strangers that didn't even know who I was were hoding there hands out to me telling me that it was ok to take the dive. It was ok to walk blindly into a faith I had no knowledge about. It was ok as long as I knew that Jesus loves me and that he died for ME. These people really opened my eyes and helped show me that Jesus is real. Just in that short amount of time talking with them. JESUS IS REAL!

That day was October 12, 2008. I know now that Jesus is with me everyday. He loves me for my faults and failures. He loves me weather I go to church or not. He loves me because He is in my heart, in my life.

All these people that came to my house that day I really owe them a big thank you. I know that they will say that I owe them nothing, that it was my time to know Jesus and accept Jesus. God was using them as an instrument to assist me in finding my way back to Him. But I still think that if it wasn't because of them I would not know Jesus. I would still be walking around as a lost soul.

To that friend of mine who sat there and held my hand the whole time, I owe you more than you will ever know. I know we both have a lot going on in our lives right now but I want you to know that you have done more for me than just encourage me. You have helped answer my questions that I have had along the way and have never once judged me for anything that I have asked. I hope you know that you have helped me be a better person and a better mother and wife. Without you I really have no idea waht my life would be like right now.

Over the past year I have discovered a lot about myself. I have learned a lot from God and what he wants me to do. Right now, I feel like I am at a stand still. For a long time I felt like I was slipping backwards but now I just feel like I am standing still. I have no church family, or anyone to talk to about my questions regarding my faith anymore but still somehow I find myself sharing Jesus everyday. I know this a growing point for me through Him. I have to have faith that He knows exactly what He is doing and that He is guiding me in the right direction.

I hope that one day I can share my story with Carly in hopes that she can make the decision that she sees that is right for herself. Until that day I can only give her the knowledge that I have and hope that is good enough!

Love you all that read this and talk to you soon! <3

Anticipation and patience

I have disconnected myself from a lot of people in the past 3 months. It has been a rough road but I feel like I have made the right decision. I don't feel as pressured to be a certain way anymore.

A couple of months ago I was losing myself. I was trying to make everyone else happy and forgetting about my own happiness. AS long as I was well liked it didn't matter. Then I had reality hit me in the face hard and it tested the strengths that I had within myself and the people I know. I finally found that I was not being true to myself. And that was not what I had worked so hard on in my past to be.

The pieces of my life have been put back together and I can now face what I had left behind. I am going to slowly start to try to rebuild these relationships that I had lost but this time I know not to change myself. These people did help me out a lot. I love them like sisters but I was trying to be something I will never be.

Sometimes it takes being at the bottom to see the light at the end of the tunnell.

39 weeks and a couple days later

As some of you remember, back in Janurary James and I suffered the most heartbreaking experiance od our lives... we miscarried at almost 7 weeks being pregnant. This fact still creeps into my head on a daily basis of the thought of "What ifs?" It has been a long and painful road. This week has got to be one of the harder weeks for me personally since right now I would have been holding that little bundle of joy in my arms.



On December 25, 2008 we found out we were pregnant with our 2nd child. We where thrilled and couldn't have asked for a better Christmas present than that!?!?! We had been trying to get pregnant and it had finally happened again. We were so happy. We told all of our friends and family who where also thrilled for us.



Then on Janurary 7, 2009 I was at work. That morning I had a feeling that something wasn't right but I couldn't put my finger on it. Then at 8:35am it happen. It was the worst experiance of my life and I don't wish it on anyone. I was in the doctors office crying by myself at his desk. James was at work and I didn't want to upset him since I had already left work early. The doctor came in and verified what I already new. He wrote me a few prescriptions for pain, infection and anit-depressant and I was on my way.


I remember going back to my mom's house since she was watching Carly for me and laying down on the couch and after that everything was kind of a fuzz. For 2 days I really don't remember what was going on. I remember sleeping a lot and I do remember building a gingerbread house and my SIL coming over with flowers with her and her hubby's sympathy. Thank God my mom was there to watch Carly for us.


What makes this really hard on me right now is that I would have had our baby right now. I would have been 39 weeks and a couple days and since I would have had a schedule c-section I know I would have delivered by now. This week would have been the week. It is hard to think about us not having our baby in our hands. I don't want to forget that baby that I had growing inside me for 7 weeks. That baby will always be my child even if I never really knew them. I know they are up with Jesus right now, fulfilling their purpose.


I have never once asked "Why me?" God has a plan and I know that this fit into that plan somehow. Trusting in the Lord has taken on a completley different meaning to me now that all this has happen.


What also makes things hard right now is that it seems like most of the women around me are pregnant and I so want to be pregnant too. This is one of the reasons I have pulled away from some of you. It is just really hard for me to think about all of this going right now, especially right now.


I know things will work their way out, it is just going to take some time. Overflowing sadness accompanies me this week. I am just glad I am done working until Saturday night. Gives me time to think about everything right now.

Well, that is all for now. It has been a while since I have laid it all out there. God is good!

Just another day

So today was just another day. Woke up, did a little grocery shopping, went to go spend a little time with Carly then went to work.

The day had gone fine up to the point when I had to go to work. And really work was fine until I found out who the closing manager was. Let's just say that this guy is a year younger than me and has that holier than thou attitude. Well, I did really well up to the point where I asked him to do a simple task for me. He told me no that I could do it. So I didn't argue and just did it. I came back up front and he is still standing there and then asks "See... That wasn't that hard was it?" Now he was really starting to tick me off. A little while later he came back up front and asked me for a particular report. I told him that all the reports were already done, that I had taken care of it anyways. He said he still wanted to see it. Ok fine. I bring it to him to see it. Then this is where I lost my cool. He said and these were his words exactly "Woman! When I ask for something you better bring it."

Now let me explain something to you. The only person in this world that can call me woman is my hubby and it had better be in the right tone of voice. I completely lost my cool. I won't going into detail as to what I said because I am not proud of it but I think I got my point accross. I just get so tired of sexism. It is crazy!

So I get off of work and come home and I was just going to post this first part on here but I read a friend of mine blog. It really knocked my socks off. Maybe this is God's way for me to start understanding were other people are coming from. Or maybe this is a way for me to reach out to these people. This guy is obviously crying out for attention to be talking to me in that manner. Maybe he hasn't meet Jesus Christ yet and God is trying to use me to show him who Jesus is. I don't know. But reading my friends blog really just has my eyes open to my surroundings. My eyes were only on myself before and while that is ok maybe I need to branch out and open my eyes to what is around.

I have been praying for a while for God to guide me in the direction I need to go next but I haven't been letting Him show me. I want an easy answer to my prayers but that just isn't the case because then I wouldn't appreciate it. I am not good at being patient but maybe if I develop that ability then maybe He will start allowing me to see where I need to go.

All I ever wanted

All I ever wanted was to have a wonderful loving and compassionate set of friends and family who really understand who I am and what I am worth. I can't choose my family but thank God He gave me my family. But I can choose my friends.

I am 25 years old and in high school I had a good bunch of friends. We went to each others houses, we would road trip to Myrtle Beach, go to the mall.... all kinds of things. As high school ended we all went our different ways. Since then, I have tried to find a new set of friends to do the same types of things with. Chit chat sessions, sisters to grow with. It is very hard to travel this road of life without a group of sisters. And it is so hard to find a group of sisters that will not judge or pressure you.


Since high school, I have had "friends" that were not good friends. I have been burned so many times with my "sisters" that it is hard to trust again. It is like if you have ever been in a relationship and you get cheated on and find out. Not a great feeling. Something you have to push through and move on from but then you get into another relationship that is the exact same thing. IT SUCKS. That is what I have been dealing with. It hurts and it isn't fair. It is time for me to weed out all the bad and surround myself with the good people in my life.

A person can only give so much before the rope breaks. My rope had broken and now it is time for me to piece it back together. I refuse to go through these fake motions anymore. It's not fait to me or my family.

At a crossroad

I find myself at crossroad right now. A fork in the road. I can go left or right but both directions are going to change my life forever. My heart is heavy and has been for quit some time now. I am tired and feel alone. Lonliness has really been showinf its ugly head latley now that I have no vehicle. I am finding myself thinking about what is real in my life. What is fake and what I need to purge out of my life. I know which way I need to go at this fork in the road but I am afraid to go that way.

It is a scary path. One that I have to walk on alone. I never asked for this choice that I have to make. Never wanted to make this choice. But I have too. I have spent many nights latley thinking about my choices and neither one of them I am happy with but I cannot continue to stand still like I have been over the past 4 months. I am not happy with the way things have been going so I am going to start overhauling my life. Some major changes are about to happen. Some of you already know what I am talking about while others of you have no clue. But it is going to be ok. I will be ok. As long as I have my family beside me to continue my walk I know I will be taken care of.

Sometimes things happen for a reason that you know of. Sometimes it makes no sense. I have been at this fork in the road for so long now, on my knees asking God which way to go. Finally He has showed me what is the right path for me. He has showed me that is not going to be easy or fun but when I get to the end of it, I will be happier.


I will be happier. I have faith and trust in that. I will be happy.

A long time

It has been some time since I wrote my last blog. I have had some recovery time, some down time and some air to breathe.

First of all, God has been stirring in me. I have found a new church family that I feel at home with. He is showing me His way. I am learning more from Him everyday and the more I look for Him the more He shows Himself to me.

My business is finally lifting off the ground. For those of you who don't know, I am a Pampered Chef. I have been one since October. I became inactive in December and I am finally getting shows booked. I have my 1st one on the 19th! Wish me luck. I am hoping and praying that this is my way out of my work away from home job! Work when I want to not when I am told too! Praying so hard on this one.

James and I have decided to try to get pregnant again. Fingers crossed and praying that things go right this time around. I don't know if I could handle another miscarriage...

Our vacation is coming up the first week of April! YAY! I can't wait! We aren't doing anything special, just lazing around. Sometimes that is the best thing! :) Spending time with each other.

Carly is growing like a weed. Putting words together to make sentences. Our favorite ones are "I love Jesus." and "I love God" Isn't that awesome! Our little girl is growing up! :( So sad but it is such a great time!

Well, that is a quick update! More later!

Tired and Frustrated

I am so tired and frustrated right now. I feel like I have hit a brick wall and I can't climb over it. It is so irratating because I need to get to the other side to move on.

These past couple days have been rough. Carly is cutting 3 molars so she has been really fussy and whiney and it is driving me nuts! I know it isn't her fault but can the teeth come in already? I mean give momma a break.

I had to go into work for a few hours this morning so I left Carly with my Mother in law. Now my MIL has previously had problems with keeping Carly. But I figured 2-3 hours shouldn't be too hard right? NOPE! I was wrong.

I left instructions For her to put Carly down for a nap around 10am. She said she did but Carly started crying and it was breaking her heart. GET OVER IT! Carly knows what to do to get attention. She is a smart girl. Plus, my MIL didn't feed her or change her the entire time Carly was there. My MIL said that Carly had soaked through her diaper, onesie and pants. And why didn't the woman change her before that point? IDK! Makes no sense to me. I keep on trying to give the woman a chance but there comes a point where there are no more chances. And I think we have meet it.

While I was at work today, I had a lady come through one of my cashiers lane with a WIC where the signitures didn't match. That means we can't take it. Well, to make a long story short, the lady pitched a fit and started throwing the items that were in her cart around the store. One of the items was a big 375 pack of baby wipes. Yeah, it came flying at my face and came within 6 inches of hitting me. Not fun.

I did get a chance to go out tonight for a friends birthday! It was so much fun. Karokee and I was going to sing but it was getting late for me so I had to leave. You mom's will understand!

When I got home I was hoping that my hubby would have at least thrown away the leftovers from dinner. Was it done? NOPE! So guess who had to clean it all up? YUP! You guessed right!

But what I do have to say at least I am still breathing and I do have a family that loves me. I love my new haircut! I guess I am just feeling kind of bogged down with all of this.

Taking it easy

So the past couple of days I have been doing some thinking. Our family has been going through a lot in the past couple of weeks and we have been leaning heavily on God to get us through it. Here is what I have learned in the past 2 weeks.

1> I am not in control. I may think that I am in control of my life but in the end He is. I always try to make things go the way I plan them. Not the way He plans them. And I am constantly reminded of this. But He really showed me how He is in control of things this past couple of weeks. I may not like everything He is doing but I know in the end that He knows what He is doing.

2> It is ok to be angry at God. I have always thought that I can't be angry with God. He is the creator of everything and why should I question Him or get angry with Him? Because He already knows I am angry with Him. He already knows everything that I am thinking so I need to go on and tell Him. He will forgive me for whatever I am feeling and I know it is ok.

3> Sometimes grief is a good thing. As all of you know we were pregnant and miscarried last Wednesday. I have to say that was the hardest thing I have had to go through in my life so far. If I didn't have my faith I really don't know whay I would have done. Grieving for the loss of this child showed me that Gos was right there grieveing with me. I did not have any one physically there holding my hand when all of this happen but God was there crying with me. He felt everything I was feeling. He knows what kind of pain I was going through. I wasn't alone during that fragie time.

4> I need to start taking better care of me. I have blamed myslef for all this stress in my life. I couldn't figure out why I am so ticked off all the time, minus the miscarriage. But I think I finally have it pegged down. I am trying to do too much for everyone else and not enough for myself. Like the Bible says, you have to norish God's temple first and God's temple is your body. It is time for me to start taking time to myself. Stop stressing about work. Find something I enjoy doing.

5> And lastly, but most imprtantly, when you think your friends are lost they suddenly appear and are there for you. While I was going through the whole grieving process, and still am going through it, I said and wrote some things that were plain out hurtful. I know now that was my grief coming out. But all my friends, true friends that is, still love me for me. They know that I am going through a rough time and I think that this makes our relationships that much stronger. For me, friends are always and have always been hard to find. I don't trust people very easily. and when I do trust someone, I always seem to wind up getting hurt. Not this time. I have found some really good friends who I can relate too and love me for me.

6> I know I said the last one was last but I almost forgot the most important things. I relaized how much love I have for James and Carly. It isn't until you lose something that you really appreciate what you have in front of you. I have been taking it for granted that I hsve a husband and a child already. How many people in this world have that?!?! I am so blessed that God has given me a husband who really understand me and loves me unconditionally and a gorgeous little girl who is the sunshine of our day. I really am blessed and I thank God that He has endowed me in these areas of my life.

Love you all! More to come later!
5

Starting over

So I am starting to think that maybe I might be the problem in all of my friendships that I have.

No seriously. I am one person to say that I don't like drama and BS and all of that but it seems here lately that I am looking for it. I am looking for a reason to cause problems and I am saying things that are hurtful and mean and it just doesn't make sense.

All my life, I have been the nurturer. People come to me for comforting when they have problems and just need a laugh. I loved helping people out. At one point I even considered being some kind of doctor.

But ever since October, things have started chaging. I have become spitful and hateful. I have become very untrusting and thinking that people are after me.

I used to be able to read people very well. But now... I don't know. I want me back. I want the old Dawn back. But what can I do? I don't know what has come over me here latley. How do I go from such an easy, going nice and loving person to a hateful, mean, unloving person. Is that even possible?

Or is it that since this awful thing happen to our family I am trying to bring everyone else down? Or is it something else? I don't know! And it is driving me nuts! UGH! I AM NOT THIS KIND OF PERSON!

To all my friends out there that I may have hurt and upset, please know that I am very, very sorry. I am sitting here typing this almost in tears. It hurts me so bad.

Misunderstandings & Mixed Blessings

When I first started going to church I met this wonderful couple and they helped guide us back to Christ. They are very nice people and we love them very much. At the same time that we were finding Christ, other things were going on in our lives and just conviently things started to fall into place. But as soon as we got baptized something seemed to change.


We had situations come up where we weren't able to come to church. James had the opportunity to take another position in his company and the Devil started messing with our relationships. And let me tell you, Satan is suceeding very well at trying to tear our relationships.

Not only is he toying with our friendships, Satan is toying with our emotions.

We ended getting pregnant and finding out on Christmas Day. We were so excited! We were trying to have a second baby and finally God had decided it was our time. We told everyone and I made my dr appointment but something just didn't feel right. I had a feeling like something was wrong. But I didn't know what it was.

Well, on January 8, 2008 at 8:30AM I miscarried. This has been the hardest thing oue family has ever been through. I went through and am still going through a whirlwind of emotions.

First, I cried. And cried and cried and cried. I did that for the almost 4 hours. After that 4 hours period and some very good drugs, I became numb. I just didn't feel anything. I knew what had happen but I just didn't know what to do.

Then, around 8pm January 9, 2008 I became angry. I was very pissed off with God for doing this to me. It isn't fair and why did this happen to me. This stage didn't last very long.

Now as I sit here at 1:25am on January 10, 2008 I am sad. Not only because I have lost the life of my baby but I feel as if I am losing one of my sisters. One of my dear friends who I love very deeply. I know that things have been hectic for all of us now but I don't want to lose a sister.

With all of this I am sure there are going to be plenty more tears, lots of hugs and in the end I hope He will help us figure everything else. Give us a healthy baby and to give me my sister back.

Although all of this awfulness has been happening, something good has come from all of this. I gained another sister. We were friends before all of this happen but now I see her as a sister. She has been here through my whole miscarriage and I am very greatful for her!


Love you all and thank you for the continued prayers and support.

Very sad times..

For all of you who don't have facebook I just wanted to let you guys know that we lost our baby this morning due to a miscarriage. Thanks for everyones continued prayers and thoughts. We love you.

I've Forgotten

Even though I was pregnant with Carly just under 2 years ago I have seemlingly forgotten what it is like to be pregnant.

I have been having these really bad mood swings lately. I am up one minute and down the next. And here at work it seems that these customers sense that I am at my breaking point and just go the extra mile to make sure I tip over. Why do people have to be so insensitive?

People keep asking me questions about my pregnancy. Like, when are you due and is it a boy or a girl? I have no clue! I haven't even found a doctor yet and I am only like 5 weeks pregnant. I am starting to think that I should have kept this a secret and not mentioned anything to anyone until I started showing. I regret telling everyone and know it seems like I have to live with it.

I get blank stares from people when they find out, like another one? Didn't you just have a baby not too long ago? Is 26 months appart really that close together? I don't think so. Why can't people just be happy for us. It is our decision not everyone elses so why does it matter to everyone else for?

AND another thing, why is it that because I look young mean that I sleep around with all these guys? I have other people asking me if I know who the father is? oh YEAH! I AM MARRIED! Have been for over 5 years now. Don't you see the ring on my finger?

It just really makes me upset because I try my best not to judge others. That isn't my job. that is God's job. So why do others have to judge me? And at such a sensitive time in my life. Everyday I just want to lock myself in my room and cry for hours. But I can't do that. I have a child that needs my attention. I can't give up.

As for other aspects of my life. What are friends anyway? Why do we have friends for? Growing up my friends were there for me when I was going through hard times... And I had some very scary moments in school. My friends never left my side until we seperated and went to different schools. Now, we all have jobs or lives that we are living and maybe we just don't have the time for the kind of friendships we had in school. But for me a friend is someone who you know that you can lean on.

James is the best friend I have in life. I can lean on him for anything. He will catch me when fall. He knows everything about me. We have no secrets from each other.

Sometimes you need some other friends to lean on. I have been searching for these friends ever since I graduated from high school. It seems like everytime I think I find some friends they end up being totally different than I thought. I have found 1 person other than James that has stayed true to what she showed me for as long as I have known her. I love her like my sister, in fact I see her as my sister.

Lastly, I am so happy that Jesus Christ was introduced to me. I know he died on the cross for my sins. I know He has a plan for me. I may not know that plan yet but I also know that I don't HAVE to know His plan. He will point me in the right direction.

Now, we just have to find what works for us. We have been going to church now for almost 3 months and I am still trying to figure out if this church is the right one for us. We love to format of the church, it is very laid back but to me, it doesn't seem very personable. Very few people acknowledge us every week. And since we don't know a lot of people yet, I don't feel comfortable going up to people and talking to them. So we are going to give this church a few more weeks and see what happens. Who knows except for Him?

Big news on Christmas Day.

Christmas Day went really well. Carly got lots of toys and she played with them all day. And what is surprising is that she is still playing with them today! LOL. She is a very happy girl. She didn't quite seem to understand what was going on but she was ready to tear into all the gifts, even momma and daddy's gifts! Next year I am sure she will understand... But next year is going to be a lot different.

This past week I just haven't felt like myself. I have been super emoitional, crying over everything and being super tired. James thought I might be pregnant. So we took a test last Saturday and the test came back negative. But I was still not feeling like myself. So on Christmas Eve I took another test and it came back slightly positive. If you have ever taken one of those read the line test, you will know what I mean.

Well, on Christmas Day we went and purchased a digital test that said positive/negative. Figured there wouldn't be any confusion with that one! That came back POSITIVE! So we are going to have another baby. Now the problem...

My family does not support us having another baby. It really hurt me to hear that last night. Plus adding the emotions that I am going through right now, I was in tears for most of the night. I know we can do this. We wanted to have another baby. I just wish my family was supportive. But I guess you can't please everyone huh?

Too tired

You know you go through those periods of your life where you feel like everything is moving too fast? I am going through that right now. I feel like I am doing everything for everyone else but myself. You know, trying to take care of Carly, clean the house, go to work, cook dinner. ETC, ETC, ETC. You get to a point where you are drained and want to give everything up and start over. Boy do I wish I could do that on some days.

This time of year gets even worse for me. As I am sure it is for most people. But there is a place to stop! I have to start saying no to things. I have to start focusing more on myself and less on other people. Because if I don't I am never going to be happy. And isn't that what God wants me to be? Happy?

So I am being childish...

Yes. I am really going to be childish and a little selfish on this post but I am allowed to do that every now and then. LOL.

So my birthday is Tuesday December 16. I am turning 25 this year. I have been looking foward to this birthday for a long time now. I will be completley and 100% legal to do everything that I want to do. But here's my thing.

For James' 25th birthday I threw him a surprise birthday party. And every year his mom takes his/us out to dinner for his birthday. Which I think is awesome. But, and this is a heavy but, what about me? Yes I know this is a very selfish question but every year that goes by I feel cheated out of my birthday because it is so close to Christmas. No one has time to celebrate with me, or to throw me a surprise birthday party. I get cards that are combination birthday/christmas cards. This has always irrated me. Birthdays and Christmas are 2 SEPARATE celebrations that people need acknowledge seperatly.

I feel a little bad about having these feelings but this really does upset me.

Example for this year, for my birthday I asked for hoodies and a day where I didn't have to worry about watching Carly. Don't get me wrong, I love my child but we all need a break, right? I had to buy the hoodies myself and didn't get that full day to myself. Every year something happens to really bring me down. I am just so tired of it you know.

I know I should just be greatful to be living and have Christ in my life but I guess I am just envious from what I see everyone else gets.

New day new feelings

Everyday brings many new challenges. Some good, some bad. But with all these challenges that are experiance each day, we learn something about ourselves that we may not have ever known unless we wnet through it.

Example being, I have been challenged everyday with patience. I am not a patient person. I want everyone to move out of my way and let me move through with my life. But God wants me to slow down. But I find it very hard to slow down. There is so much that needs to get done in a day and I feel that if it doesn't all get done then I am a failure. But I am learning that it is not true.

I keep on being challenged by the same thing everyday and at first I was very frustrated. I didn't understand why God was pushing me. But I am starting to come around. He wants me to learn from Him. I don't have it all figured out yet but for the first time in several weeks, I picked upa bible last night. Be that it was a childrens picture bible but something amazing happend. I understood it! Every word of it! I was so completely excited. I didn't want to stop reading.

So every time that I learn to be patient He gifts me with understanding His word. I am so excited to learn from him. Thank you God for teaching me!

My letter to God..

Dear God,

Many emotions have been going through me here in the past 2 months. I don't even know what some of them are. But I know you have a plan for me God. I trust that you know exactly where I am going and what my purpose in life is. Oh God, please help me to build my faith in you every day that I wake up and please continue to lift me up in all moments of discouragment. You and I both know that times are hard for everyone and that we all are struggling to make ends meet but God, I trust in you to help provide me with what I need. I know that you will take care of me and that you will protect me and my family. God, I gave my self to you and I know that you let your only Son die on that cross for my sins so that I may have a better life. Please, God, walk me through my everyday life, help me with my patience, help me help others get back home to you. Please let me continue to grow with everything that I learn and with my relationships with everyone I run into. God, you have already touched my life more than I will ever know and I want everyone to be this way. Please help me trust you with each passing day. Please God, help James and I raise our daughter to know you, to love you, to worship you, the way that we do. God, I know that I am not perfect and that I never will. I know that I do not desevre your mercy but that you have saved me. I am going to make my way back to you God, and even if the Devil tries his best to beat me down and not believe, I know that you will help me chase him away. God, you are my life. You help me everyday, and while I haven't been the best Christian in the world here I know you forgive me. I know that if I ever have any questions that you have provided my church family that help answer those questions. Thank you God for everything I have in my life. God, I love you. ---- Amen