Dear God,
Many emotions have been going through me here in the past 2 months. I don't even know what some of them are. But I know you have a plan for me God. I trust that you know exactly where I am going and what my purpose in life is. Oh God, please help me to build my faith in you every day that I wake up and please continue to lift me up in all moments of discouragment. You and I both know that times are hard for everyone and that we all are struggling to make ends meet but God, I trust in you to help provide me with what I need. I know that you will take care of me and that you will protect me and my family. God, I gave my self to you and I know that you let your only Son die on that cross for my sins so that I may have a better life. Please, God, walk me through my everyday life, help me with my patience, help me help others get back home to you. Please let me continue to grow with everything that I learn and with my relationships with everyone I run into. God, you have already touched my life more than I will ever know and I want everyone to be this way. Please help me trust you with each passing day. Please God, help James and I raise our daughter to know you, to love you, to worship you, the way that we do. God, I know that I am not perfect and that I never will. I know that I do not desevre your mercy but that you have saved me. I am going to make my way back to you God, and even if the Devil tries his best to beat me down and not believe, I know that you will help me chase him away. God, you are my life. You help me everyday, and while I haven't been the best Christian in the world here I know you forgive me. I know that if I ever have any questions that you have provided my church family that help answer those questions. Thank you God for everything I have in my life. God, I love you. ---- Amen
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Why?
Why does the Devil always seem to find his way into our lives. My last post was about helping those in need out for the holidays and i was all set to help a family out. Then come to find out from others that were helping them too, that this family is a scam artist. They take the items people give to them for free and pawn the stuff off.
We are such good people, and I know God has a purpose for us, but it seems that here lately everytime we try to help people we always end getting bitten in the rear and wind up getting hurt. Now, thankfully, we hadn't given anything to this family yet, and just because this family is not truthful doesn't mean that other families are the same way. But I am starting to think that maybe I need to step back for a while.
I have been focusing so much on other people that I am forgetting myself. I don't even know who I am anymore. I am not a happy person, I am always sad and depressed. I just can't kick this thing... It irritates me so mcuh too because I am not usually an unhappy person. I love being happy and I love my life that the Lord has blessed me with. I just can't seem to pull myslef out of this black whole I am in.
Some days I wake up and I don't even want to get out of bed. Some days I just want to cry all day and other days I feel numb to everything. I think that if I can just make it until tomorrow, things will get better. But they don't. Between taking care of the house, my job, my family, and my faith I am losing myself even farther. And now i can't figure out how to get back.
I have been on this road now for sometime and I can feel a fork coming in the road where I am going to have to choose my path. But which do I take? And what does each path hold for me?
I am heading for an emotional breakdown and I am lost of what to do... Prayer is what people tell me but I don't even have the energy for that. BUT the one joy of my day is getting in the car and turning on the radio to listen to my Christian station. In those couple minutes that I am driving around I just feel joy... If I could only figure out how to incorporate the music in my life.
We are such good people, and I know God has a purpose for us, but it seems that here lately everytime we try to help people we always end getting bitten in the rear and wind up getting hurt. Now, thankfully, we hadn't given anything to this family yet, and just because this family is not truthful doesn't mean that other families are the same way. But I am starting to think that maybe I need to step back for a while.
I have been focusing so much on other people that I am forgetting myself. I don't even know who I am anymore. I am not a happy person, I am always sad and depressed. I just can't kick this thing... It irritates me so mcuh too because I am not usually an unhappy person. I love being happy and I love my life that the Lord has blessed me with. I just can't seem to pull myslef out of this black whole I am in.
Some days I wake up and I don't even want to get out of bed. Some days I just want to cry all day and other days I feel numb to everything. I think that if I can just make it until tomorrow, things will get better. But they don't. Between taking care of the house, my job, my family, and my faith I am losing myself even farther. And now i can't figure out how to get back.
I have been on this road now for sometime and I can feel a fork coming in the road where I am going to have to choose my path. But which do I take? And what does each path hold for me?
I am heading for an emotional breakdown and I am lost of what to do... Prayer is what people tell me but I don't even have the energy for that. BUT the one joy of my day is getting in the car and turning on the radio to listen to my Christian station. In those couple minutes that I am driving around I just feel joy... If I could only figure out how to incorporate the music in my life.
Monday, November 24, 2008
Tis the season right?
Don't you love this time of year? People get cranky, fussy, upset and start yelling at you because you made a mistake? Yeah... Lovin' it!
But this post is NOT going to be about that stuff. It is going to be about giving.
Now, we are by NO means at a point in our lives were we can give out money to everyone who needs it. I would love to be able to do that one day but for now here's what I want to do.
I found a family today on WilmingtonYardSales who are in desperate need of help. The husband just got laid off from his job, they have 4 children who are 19, 17,17 and 10. This family also has a sister whose husband just had a quadruple bypass surgery and can't work and that family has a 12 month old. Now, I do not know these people, I haven't talked to them over the phone but I have this feeling that I need to try to heelp them. They are asking for prayers and I know everyone who reads my blogs will pray for them. But here is what else I want to do.
These families are not going to have much of a Christmas this year. I have rummaged around my house and found somethings that I no longer use. The families do not care if the items are new or used. So I have a couple things already. Mostly for the baby, well because that is all we have right now. I can't go out and buy them anything but something is telling me to do something.
I sat around for a little while after reading their plea and was thinking that someone else would help them out. Well, I got a quick wake up call and I can't even explain what happen but God was telling me to help them. This is all in His plan. And this situation really ties in to what our Pastor was preaching on Sunday. Greed.
He challenged us to go through our boxes we have hoarded away and give it away or sell it builds God's kingdom. I was going to sell this stuff when I read about this family, I am just going to give it away to them. I fanyone would like to help me with this family I can send you sizes and stuff that they like.
But this posts is not just for this family. We as people are greedy. We like to hoard everything thinking that maybe one day we will use it. Maybe you will use it one day, maybe you won't. But instead of hoarding it, why not give it to someone who can use it now. It will be out of your way and the other person will be very greatful. Even if its something small, trust me you will feel amazing afterwards.
I have not given anything to this family yet but just thinking about helping them makes me feel awesome. Just think if everyone could adopt a family in need...
But this post is NOT going to be about that stuff. It is going to be about giving.
Now, we are by NO means at a point in our lives were we can give out money to everyone who needs it. I would love to be able to do that one day but for now here's what I want to do.
I found a family today on WilmingtonYardSales who are in desperate need of help. The husband just got laid off from his job, they have 4 children who are 19, 17,17 and 10. This family also has a sister whose husband just had a quadruple bypass surgery and can't work and that family has a 12 month old. Now, I do not know these people, I haven't talked to them over the phone but I have this feeling that I need to try to heelp them. They are asking for prayers and I know everyone who reads my blogs will pray for them. But here is what else I want to do.
These families are not going to have much of a Christmas this year. I have rummaged around my house and found somethings that I no longer use. The families do not care if the items are new or used. So I have a couple things already. Mostly for the baby, well because that is all we have right now. I can't go out and buy them anything but something is telling me to do something.
I sat around for a little while after reading their plea and was thinking that someone else would help them out. Well, I got a quick wake up call and I can't even explain what happen but God was telling me to help them. This is all in His plan. And this situation really ties in to what our Pastor was preaching on Sunday. Greed.
He challenged us to go through our boxes we have hoarded away and give it away or sell it builds God's kingdom. I was going to sell this stuff when I read about this family, I am just going to give it away to them. I fanyone would like to help me with this family I can send you sizes and stuff that they like.
But this posts is not just for this family. We as people are greedy. We like to hoard everything thinking that maybe one day we will use it. Maybe you will use it one day, maybe you won't. But instead of hoarding it, why not give it to someone who can use it now. It will be out of your way and the other person will be very greatful. Even if its something small, trust me you will feel amazing afterwards.
I have not given anything to this family yet but just thinking about helping them makes me feel awesome. Just think if everyone could adopt a family in need...
Thursday, November 20, 2008
And just when you start loosing faith
Something happens and you find it again. And when you find it, your faith seems to be even more powerful than before.
These past couple weeks have been really tough for us. As I am sure you can tell by reading my previous blogs. I had almost given up on trusting God. I was questioning why I should be where I am at and if this was the right choice for me. Well, this week I had an awakening.
I am not really sure what happen. I am not doing anything different than before. But I was at work today and I got a peak at next weeks schedule. I noticed that they had me working 5 days next week. 4 of the days were morning shifts and 1 was a night shift. First of all, I don't work 5 days. It is too much for me. And 2nd, I am the strongest supervisor they have. Not to toot my own horn or anything but they know it. I would think they would schedule me to work more nights because of all the business next week. Well, after arguing with my manager for 2 hours, I finally got a sense of peace about me. I didn't get my way but I felt this tug telling me to stop arguing and that everything was going to be fine.
So I just stopped. I walked away and left it as be. I am still working 5 days next week but maybe the week after that work will give me an additonal day off for working so much this week. I am not even stressing out about my job anymore and I know God did that for me. I know He will take care of everything. He always watches out for me and will not put more on me than I can take.
This simple act of walking away has restored my faith in God. I guess sometimes you have to walk away and almost give up to really understand how much He loves you and wants you to get back to Him. I am sure I will lots more moments in my life in which I question Him but I know He will always lead me back to Him. the light may not always be bright but it will ALWAYS be there.
These past couple weeks have been really tough for us. As I am sure you can tell by reading my previous blogs. I had almost given up on trusting God. I was questioning why I should be where I am at and if this was the right choice for me. Well, this week I had an awakening.
I am not really sure what happen. I am not doing anything different than before. But I was at work today and I got a peak at next weeks schedule. I noticed that they had me working 5 days next week. 4 of the days were morning shifts and 1 was a night shift. First of all, I don't work 5 days. It is too much for me. And 2nd, I am the strongest supervisor they have. Not to toot my own horn or anything but they know it. I would think they would schedule me to work more nights because of all the business next week. Well, after arguing with my manager for 2 hours, I finally got a sense of peace about me. I didn't get my way but I felt this tug telling me to stop arguing and that everything was going to be fine.
So I just stopped. I walked away and left it as be. I am still working 5 days next week but maybe the week after that work will give me an additonal day off for working so much this week. I am not even stressing out about my job anymore and I know God did that for me. I know He will take care of everything. He always watches out for me and will not put more on me than I can take.
This simple act of walking away has restored my faith in God. I guess sometimes you have to walk away and almost give up to really understand how much He loves you and wants you to get back to Him. I am sure I will lots more moments in my life in which I question Him but I know He will always lead me back to Him. the light may not always be bright but it will ALWAYS be there.
Monday, November 17, 2008
Loosing faith
So I just read a friends blog and her blog was about a devotional that we both recieved. It was about how all of us are still newborns in many ways with God.
I thought it was a wake up call to me as well. These past 2 months have been, to be honest with you, some of the hardest times in my life. I don't trust people very easily and now I am having to trust someone I can't even see? That takes guts.
I am like a newborn so much when it comes to God. I am becoming so discouraged in my path to find peace with Him. I feel like I am wondering off the lighted path that He has shown me and I
am falling more and more closer to the Devil. I hate that I getting off the lighted path that God has shown me. It hurts me but in the same way, isn't it easier sometimes for us to take the path that Satan wants us too? I mean Satan knows what it is we want, or what our weaknesses are.
Lately, Satan has been telling me things that are very hard for me not to believe. For example, I am having a very hard time with our Sunday School class. Every week I go, I get more and more discouraged because I do not understand what is being talked about 3/4 of the time. So Satan is urging me to quit going to the class. He is telling me to stop wasting my time, that it isn't worth it. And I am starting to listen. I don't want to ask questions in the class and look/sound like an idiot because I don't know who Issaih is (or Mark or John or any of those people). So wouldn't be easier for me to quit? That's what Satan wants. He wants me to fail. I don't want to fail though, but I don't want to keep getting confused.
Another example, I used to be really good about reading my Bible and praying everyday. Now I never pray and I pick up my Bible maybe twice a week. I keep finding excuses for not doing it. I am so busy with my jobs and with Carly and now the holidays. Isn't the saying that "If Satan can't make you bad than he will make you busy." Well he sure is doing a good job at this because I am so busy. I don't even have the energy to make dinner.
As I slip farther and farther away from the lighted path, I feel that my relationships with my new friends are growing farther and farther a part. I don't want to be one of those 2 faced people. I do believe in God and I know that Jesus dies on the cross for all my sins. I love God and Jesus and The Holy Spirit. I can just feel myself slipping away.
But I am not one to give up on a fight. I know that everyone goes through periods of questioning if what they believe is right. I just have to find my way back onto the lighted path. Baby steps. That is all God is asking for right?
I thought it was a wake up call to me as well. These past 2 months have been, to be honest with you, some of the hardest times in my life. I don't trust people very easily and now I am having to trust someone I can't even see? That takes guts.
I am like a newborn so much when it comes to God. I am becoming so discouraged in my path to find peace with Him. I feel like I am wondering off the lighted path that He has shown me and I
am falling more and more closer to the Devil. I hate that I getting off the lighted path that God has shown me. It hurts me but in the same way, isn't it easier sometimes for us to take the path that Satan wants us too? I mean Satan knows what it is we want, or what our weaknesses are.
Lately, Satan has been telling me things that are very hard for me not to believe. For example, I am having a very hard time with our Sunday School class. Every week I go, I get more and more discouraged because I do not understand what is being talked about 3/4 of the time. So Satan is urging me to quit going to the class. He is telling me to stop wasting my time, that it isn't worth it. And I am starting to listen. I don't want to ask questions in the class and look/sound like an idiot because I don't know who Issaih is (or Mark or John or any of those people). So wouldn't be easier for me to quit? That's what Satan wants. He wants me to fail. I don't want to fail though, but I don't want to keep getting confused.
Another example, I used to be really good about reading my Bible and praying everyday. Now I never pray and I pick up my Bible maybe twice a week. I keep finding excuses for not doing it. I am so busy with my jobs and with Carly and now the holidays. Isn't the saying that "If Satan can't make you bad than he will make you busy." Well he sure is doing a good job at this because I am so busy. I don't even have the energy to make dinner.
As I slip farther and farther away from the lighted path, I feel that my relationships with my new friends are growing farther and farther a part. I don't want to be one of those 2 faced people. I do believe in God and I know that Jesus dies on the cross for all my sins. I love God and Jesus and The Holy Spirit. I can just feel myself slipping away.
But I am not one to give up on a fight. I know that everyone goes through periods of questioning if what they believe is right. I just have to find my way back onto the lighted path. Baby steps. That is all God is asking for right?
Friday, November 14, 2008
I am so tired...
Why is it that when things seem to be right on track, something goes wrong and you get dropped on your back?
What a loaded question. I have always asked this question and never quite understood why I wasn't recieving the answer to my question. I still ask this question sometimes when things get really bad. Well.... Things are really bad.
Now usually, it is finaical issues that we have that makes things bad. Don't get me wrong we are still living paycheck to paycheck and sometimes we have to choose between food and diapers but we make ends meet somehow. This time the thing that has made things bad is a threat from one of my hubby's co workers.
And what gets me is that this threat wasn't just one of those "I am going to kick your butt" threats. This was a "I am going to kill you and your family threat." Yes, those were the words I was told except from what I was told there were a few more choice words in there that do not need to be repeated. Why would you threaten to kill someone for? Now I am scared to freaking death. Not necissarily for my own safety but for my baby girls. She doesn't even know this guy. I don't even know him. So I don't even know where to go with this. This guy is not onw to joke around either. James said he is very short tempered and has been known to throw drinks back in waitresses faces. So yeah.... I am scared.
But through all this, I was driving home from picking Carly up today and had my radio tuned to Klove when a song came on that I hadn't heard in years. When I was young my family and I would watch Touched By An Angel and I loved that show! On one of the episodes, there was a boy who has Cystic Fibriosis. His mother had started writing a song for him when he was born and never finished it. That was his one wish, for her to finish that song. Well, that song is called "Testify To Love". This song makes me cry everytime I hear it. I feel God talking to me when I hear this song and I just start singing this song at the top of my lungs. All of a sudden, I just had this over coming sense of calm. I kow everything is going to be ok. I am just going to put in Gods hands. He will not let anything happen to us that is not suppose to happen. We are just going to have to pray that this guy is just blowing off some steam.
If you aren't familar with this song here is a link you can go to to take a listen.
http://www.lyrics.com/index.php/artists/lyric/avalon-p-200249-lyrics-testify-to-love-t-13659635
Love you all!
What a loaded question. I have always asked this question and never quite understood why I wasn't recieving the answer to my question. I still ask this question sometimes when things get really bad. Well.... Things are really bad.
Now usually, it is finaical issues that we have that makes things bad. Don't get me wrong we are still living paycheck to paycheck and sometimes we have to choose between food and diapers but we make ends meet somehow. This time the thing that has made things bad is a threat from one of my hubby's co workers.
And what gets me is that this threat wasn't just one of those "I am going to kick your butt" threats. This was a "I am going to kill you and your family threat." Yes, those were the words I was told except from what I was told there were a few more choice words in there that do not need to be repeated. Why would you threaten to kill someone for? Now I am scared to freaking death. Not necissarily for my own safety but for my baby girls. She doesn't even know this guy. I don't even know him. So I don't even know where to go with this. This guy is not onw to joke around either. James said he is very short tempered and has been known to throw drinks back in waitresses faces. So yeah.... I am scared.
But through all this, I was driving home from picking Carly up today and had my radio tuned to Klove when a song came on that I hadn't heard in years. When I was young my family and I would watch Touched By An Angel and I loved that show! On one of the episodes, there was a boy who has Cystic Fibriosis. His mother had started writing a song for him when he was born and never finished it. That was his one wish, for her to finish that song. Well, that song is called "Testify To Love". This song makes me cry everytime I hear it. I feel God talking to me when I hear this song and I just start singing this song at the top of my lungs. All of a sudden, I just had this over coming sense of calm. I kow everything is going to be ok. I am just going to put in Gods hands. He will not let anything happen to us that is not suppose to happen. We are just going to have to pray that this guy is just blowing off some steam.
If you aren't familar with this song here is a link you can go to to take a listen.
http://www.lyrics.com/index.php/artists/lyric/avalon-p-200249-lyrics-testify-to-love-t-13659635
Love you all!
Saturday, November 8, 2008
5 years ago
5 years ago today I married my man of my dreams. He was sweet, charming and loving and took very good care of me. Fast forward 5 years and this man is even better. I never thought I could love someone as much as I love him. James has been one of the greatest influences in my life (although at times I have to wonder....) and I can't imagine my life without him.
We have been together for a total of 7 years and out of those 7 years not once had we been to church together up to this past couple weeks. We have done more with our relationship over these past 4 weeks than we have in the 7 years we have been together. We have found God and have meet a few couples that really inspire us to be better people. We went on a marriage retreat and while we got eaten up by mesquitos we learned a lot about ourselves and God. We were never the "Church going" people. We had been turned off to several religions/churches for all kinds of reasons but when we found Southside, we know that God had guided us in the right direction.
God, please help us in continueing to make our relationship blossom day by day. Please let us continue to learn more about each other each day. God, would you please help us get to know you better, love you more each day and help us raise our daughter to know you the way we want to. Please help us continue to grow our relationships with our faithful friends. We know that we are not perfect people and we never can be but help us in teaching us how you want us to be. God we love you and we thank you for keeping us together through everything we have been through together and for helping us stay together for everything to come.
We have been together for a total of 7 years and out of those 7 years not once had we been to church together up to this past couple weeks. We have done more with our relationship over these past 4 weeks than we have in the 7 years we have been together. We have found God and have meet a few couples that really inspire us to be better people. We went on a marriage retreat and while we got eaten up by mesquitos we learned a lot about ourselves and God. We were never the "Church going" people. We had been turned off to several religions/churches for all kinds of reasons but when we found Southside, we know that God had guided us in the right direction.
God, please help us in continueing to make our relationship blossom day by day. Please let us continue to learn more about each other each day. God, would you please help us get to know you better, love you more each day and help us raise our daughter to know you the way we want to. Please help us continue to grow our relationships with our faithful friends. We know that we are not perfect people and we never can be but help us in teaching us how you want us to be. God we love you and we thank you for keeping us together through everything we have been through together and for helping us stay together for everything to come.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
These past few days..
Well, as I am sure most of you read my blog a couple days ago. We were going through a very rough patch and we still are. I prayed to God and just put it in His hands and I trusted Him. really trusted Him to help us get through this. Now, I don't trust to easy but I didn't know what else to do. He really came through for us. Putting everything in His hands and not worry about what was going on made our loves a lot simpler. He knows what He is doing. He knows when we have had enough and we can't take any more pressure. He helps us get through it. I truely believe that since we gave Him our trust He in return showed us that He is real and can be trusted.
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