Even though I was pregnant with Carly just under 2 years ago I have seemlingly forgotten what it is like to be pregnant.
I have been having these really bad mood swings lately. I am up one minute and down the next. And here at work it seems that these customers sense that I am at my breaking point and just go the extra mile to make sure I tip over. Why do people have to be so insensitive?
People keep asking me questions about my pregnancy. Like, when are you due and is it a boy or a girl? I have no clue! I haven't even found a doctor yet and I am only like 5 weeks pregnant. I am starting to think that I should have kept this a secret and not mentioned anything to anyone until I started showing. I regret telling everyone and know it seems like I have to live with it.
I get blank stares from people when they find out, like another one? Didn't you just have a baby not too long ago? Is 26 months appart really that close together? I don't think so. Why can't people just be happy for us. It is our decision not everyone elses so why does it matter to everyone else for?
AND another thing, why is it that because I look young mean that I sleep around with all these guys? I have other people asking me if I know who the father is? oh YEAH! I AM MARRIED! Have been for over 5 years now. Don't you see the ring on my finger?
It just really makes me upset because I try my best not to judge others. That isn't my job. that is God's job. So why do others have to judge me? And at such a sensitive time in my life. Everyday I just want to lock myself in my room and cry for hours. But I can't do that. I have a child that needs my attention. I can't give up.
As for other aspects of my life. What are friends anyway? Why do we have friends for? Growing up my friends were there for me when I was going through hard times... And I had some very scary moments in school. My friends never left my side until we seperated and went to different schools. Now, we all have jobs or lives that we are living and maybe we just don't have the time for the kind of friendships we had in school. But for me a friend is someone who you know that you can lean on.
James is the best friend I have in life. I can lean on him for anything. He will catch me when fall. He knows everything about me. We have no secrets from each other.
Sometimes you need some other friends to lean on. I have been searching for these friends ever since I graduated from high school. It seems like everytime I think I find some friends they end up being totally different than I thought. I have found 1 person other than James that has stayed true to what she showed me for as long as I have known her. I love her like my sister, in fact I see her as my sister.
Lastly, I am so happy that Jesus Christ was introduced to me. I know he died on the cross for my sins. I know He has a plan for me. I may not know that plan yet but I also know that I don't HAVE to know His plan. He will point me in the right direction.
Now, we just have to find what works for us. We have been going to church now for almost 3 months and I am still trying to figure out if this church is the right one for us. We love to format of the church, it is very laid back but to me, it doesn't seem very personable. Very few people acknowledge us every week. And since we don't know a lot of people yet, I don't feel comfortable going up to people and talking to them. So we are going to give this church a few more weeks and see what happens. Who knows except for Him?
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3 comments:
Been there done that Dawn; and I had 3 kids by the time I was almost 25.
Its better now, because I'm about to turn 29, but in my early 20s it was hard, especially when Brittany started kindergarten (when I was 23). Most of the moms were 10 years older than me, and although they and I were in the same path in life (house, married, money, etc); stastically they saw me as what some young moms are like (X amount of kids by X amount of men; and unmarried).
Sucks, but keep your head up, it'll get better!
ugh...the hormones. I felt SO sorry for my hubby. It seems my second pregnancy was worse for the hormones...even early on. But after the pregnancy is when I go completely ballistic for about a good month. No one wants to be around me, but you have to be around me to see the baby. Take the good with the bad. ;)
As for churches, God doesn't care what church you go to...you just have to go to Him. With Matthew's compromised immunity, we cant' take him to any large gatherings of people...like church...just too germy for his little bitty self. And with our family watching the our other son all the time, we don't want to run out of our good graces. As long as you connect with God daily (in the shower, in the car, or even at McDonald's) that's great! He doesn't need a fancy chuch with all the trimmings. Think of the humble beginnings His Son had!
hugs to you!
Hang in there & try not to let those idiots get to you. People just don't know when to keep their mouth shut. 26 months isn't too soon, mine are closer than that & we love it. People always asked us if Maddie was an accident because they're close but we planned it that way. I hope you feel more like yourself after this first trimester.
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