I am so tired and frustrated right now. I feel like I have hit a brick wall and I can't climb over it. It is so irratating because I need to get to the other side to move on.
These past couple days have been rough. Carly is cutting 3 molars so she has been really fussy and whiney and it is driving me nuts! I know it isn't her fault but can the teeth come in already? I mean give momma a break.
I had to go into work for a few hours this morning so I left Carly with my Mother in law. Now my MIL has previously had problems with keeping Carly. But I figured 2-3 hours shouldn't be too hard right? NOPE! I was wrong.
I left instructions For her to put Carly down for a nap around 10am. She said she did but Carly started crying and it was breaking her heart. GET OVER IT! Carly knows what to do to get attention. She is a smart girl. Plus, my MIL didn't feed her or change her the entire time Carly was there. My MIL said that Carly had soaked through her diaper, onesie and pants. And why didn't the woman change her before that point? IDK! Makes no sense to me. I keep on trying to give the woman a chance but there comes a point where there are no more chances. And I think we have meet it.
While I was at work today, I had a lady come through one of my cashiers lane with a WIC where the signitures didn't match. That means we can't take it. Well, to make a long story short, the lady pitched a fit and started throwing the items that were in her cart around the store. One of the items was a big 375 pack of baby wipes. Yeah, it came flying at my face and came within 6 inches of hitting me. Not fun.
I did get a chance to go out tonight for a friends birthday! It was so much fun. Karokee and I was going to sing but it was getting late for me so I had to leave. You mom's will understand!
When I got home I was hoping that my hubby would have at least thrown away the leftovers from dinner. Was it done? NOPE! So guess who had to clean it all up? YUP! You guessed right!
But what I do have to say at least I am still breathing and I do have a family that loves me. I love my new haircut! I guess I am just feeling kind of bogged down with all of this.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Taking it easy
So the past couple of days I have been doing some thinking. Our family has been going through a lot in the past couple of weeks and we have been leaning heavily on God to get us through it. Here is what I have learned in the past 2 weeks.
1> I am not in control. I may think that I am in control of my life but in the end He is. I always try to make things go the way I plan them. Not the way He plans them. And I am constantly reminded of this. But He really showed me how He is in control of things this past couple of weeks. I may not like everything He is doing but I know in the end that He knows what He is doing.
2> It is ok to be angry at God. I have always thought that I can't be angry with God. He is the creator of everything and why should I question Him or get angry with Him? Because He already knows I am angry with Him. He already knows everything that I am thinking so I need to go on and tell Him. He will forgive me for whatever I am feeling and I know it is ok.
3> Sometimes grief is a good thing. As all of you know we were pregnant and miscarried last Wednesday. I have to say that was the hardest thing I have had to go through in my life so far. If I didn't have my faith I really don't know whay I would have done. Grieving for the loss of this child showed me that Gos was right there grieveing with me. I did not have any one physically there holding my hand when all of this happen but God was there crying with me. He felt everything I was feeling. He knows what kind of pain I was going through. I wasn't alone during that fragie time.
4> I need to start taking better care of me. I have blamed myslef for all this stress in my life. I couldn't figure out why I am so ticked off all the time, minus the miscarriage. But I think I finally have it pegged down. I am trying to do too much for everyone else and not enough for myself. Like the Bible says, you have to norish God's temple first and God's temple is your body. It is time for me to start taking time to myself. Stop stressing about work. Find something I enjoy doing.
5> And lastly, but most imprtantly, when you think your friends are lost they suddenly appear and are there for you. While I was going through the whole grieving process, and still am going through it, I said and wrote some things that were plain out hurtful. I know now that was my grief coming out. But all my friends, true friends that is, still love me for me. They know that I am going through a rough time and I think that this makes our relationships that much stronger. For me, friends are always and have always been hard to find. I don't trust people very easily. and when I do trust someone, I always seem to wind up getting hurt. Not this time. I have found some really good friends who I can relate too and love me for me.
6> I know I said the last one was last but I almost forgot the most important things. I relaized how much love I have for James and Carly. It isn't until you lose something that you really appreciate what you have in front of you. I have been taking it for granted that I hsve a husband and a child already. How many people in this world have that?!?! I am so blessed that God has given me a husband who really understand me and loves me unconditionally and a gorgeous little girl who is the sunshine of our day. I really am blessed and I thank God that He has endowed me in these areas of my life.
Love you all! More to come later!
5
1> I am not in control. I may think that I am in control of my life but in the end He is. I always try to make things go the way I plan them. Not the way He plans them. And I am constantly reminded of this. But He really showed me how He is in control of things this past couple of weeks. I may not like everything He is doing but I know in the end that He knows what He is doing.
2> It is ok to be angry at God. I have always thought that I can't be angry with God. He is the creator of everything and why should I question Him or get angry with Him? Because He already knows I am angry with Him. He already knows everything that I am thinking so I need to go on and tell Him. He will forgive me for whatever I am feeling and I know it is ok.
3> Sometimes grief is a good thing. As all of you know we were pregnant and miscarried last Wednesday. I have to say that was the hardest thing I have had to go through in my life so far. If I didn't have my faith I really don't know whay I would have done. Grieving for the loss of this child showed me that Gos was right there grieveing with me. I did not have any one physically there holding my hand when all of this happen but God was there crying with me. He felt everything I was feeling. He knows what kind of pain I was going through. I wasn't alone during that fragie time.
4> I need to start taking better care of me. I have blamed myslef for all this stress in my life. I couldn't figure out why I am so ticked off all the time, minus the miscarriage. But I think I finally have it pegged down. I am trying to do too much for everyone else and not enough for myself. Like the Bible says, you have to norish God's temple first and God's temple is your body. It is time for me to start taking time to myself. Stop stressing about work. Find something I enjoy doing.
5> And lastly, but most imprtantly, when you think your friends are lost they suddenly appear and are there for you. While I was going through the whole grieving process, and still am going through it, I said and wrote some things that were plain out hurtful. I know now that was my grief coming out. But all my friends, true friends that is, still love me for me. They know that I am going through a rough time and I think that this makes our relationships that much stronger. For me, friends are always and have always been hard to find. I don't trust people very easily. and when I do trust someone, I always seem to wind up getting hurt. Not this time. I have found some really good friends who I can relate too and love me for me.
6> I know I said the last one was last but I almost forgot the most important things. I relaized how much love I have for James and Carly. It isn't until you lose something that you really appreciate what you have in front of you. I have been taking it for granted that I hsve a husband and a child already. How many people in this world have that?!?! I am so blessed that God has given me a husband who really understand me and loves me unconditionally and a gorgeous little girl who is the sunshine of our day. I really am blessed and I thank God that He has endowed me in these areas of my life.
Love you all! More to come later!
5
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Starting over
So I am starting to think that maybe I might be the problem in all of my friendships that I have.
No seriously. I am one person to say that I don't like drama and BS and all of that but it seems here lately that I am looking for it. I am looking for a reason to cause problems and I am saying things that are hurtful and mean and it just doesn't make sense.
All my life, I have been the nurturer. People come to me for comforting when they have problems and just need a laugh. I loved helping people out. At one point I even considered being some kind of doctor.
But ever since October, things have started chaging. I have become spitful and hateful. I have become very untrusting and thinking that people are after me.
I used to be able to read people very well. But now... I don't know. I want me back. I want the old Dawn back. But what can I do? I don't know what has come over me here latley. How do I go from such an easy, going nice and loving person to a hateful, mean, unloving person. Is that even possible?
Or is it that since this awful thing happen to our family I am trying to bring everyone else down? Or is it something else? I don't know! And it is driving me nuts! UGH! I AM NOT THIS KIND OF PERSON!
To all my friends out there that I may have hurt and upset, please know that I am very, very sorry. I am sitting here typing this almost in tears. It hurts me so bad.
No seriously. I am one person to say that I don't like drama and BS and all of that but it seems here lately that I am looking for it. I am looking for a reason to cause problems and I am saying things that are hurtful and mean and it just doesn't make sense.
All my life, I have been the nurturer. People come to me for comforting when they have problems and just need a laugh. I loved helping people out. At one point I even considered being some kind of doctor.
But ever since October, things have started chaging. I have become spitful and hateful. I have become very untrusting and thinking that people are after me.
I used to be able to read people very well. But now... I don't know. I want me back. I want the old Dawn back. But what can I do? I don't know what has come over me here latley. How do I go from such an easy, going nice and loving person to a hateful, mean, unloving person. Is that even possible?
Or is it that since this awful thing happen to our family I am trying to bring everyone else down? Or is it something else? I don't know! And it is driving me nuts! UGH! I AM NOT THIS KIND OF PERSON!
To all my friends out there that I may have hurt and upset, please know that I am very, very sorry. I am sitting here typing this almost in tears. It hurts me so bad.
Friday, January 9, 2009
Misunderstandings & Mixed Blessings
When I first started going to church I met this wonderful couple and they helped guide us back to Christ. They are very nice people and we love them very much. At the same time that we were finding Christ, other things were going on in our lives and just conviently things started to fall into place. But as soon as we got baptized something seemed to change.
We had situations come up where we weren't able to come to church. James had the opportunity to take another position in his company and the Devil started messing with our relationships. And let me tell you, Satan is suceeding very well at trying to tear our relationships.
Not only is he toying with our friendships, Satan is toying with our emotions.
We ended getting pregnant and finding out on Christmas Day. We were so excited! We were trying to have a second baby and finally God had decided it was our time. We told everyone and I made my dr appointment but something just didn't feel right. I had a feeling like something was wrong. But I didn't know what it was.
Well, on January 8, 2008 at 8:30AM I miscarried. This has been the hardest thing oue family has ever been through. I went through and am still going through a whirlwind of emotions.
First, I cried. And cried and cried and cried. I did that for the almost 4 hours. After that 4 hours period and some very good drugs, I became numb. I just didn't feel anything. I knew what had happen but I just didn't know what to do.
Then, around 8pm January 9, 2008 I became angry. I was very pissed off with God for doing this to me. It isn't fair and why did this happen to me. This stage didn't last very long.
Now as I sit here at 1:25am on January 10, 2008 I am sad. Not only because I have lost the life of my baby but I feel as if I am losing one of my sisters. One of my dear friends who I love very deeply. I know that things have been hectic for all of us now but I don't want to lose a sister.
With all of this I am sure there are going to be plenty more tears, lots of hugs and in the end I hope He will help us figure everything else. Give us a healthy baby and to give me my sister back.
Although all of this awfulness has been happening, something good has come from all of this. I gained another sister. We were friends before all of this happen but now I see her as a sister. She has been here through my whole miscarriage and I am very greatful for her!
Love you all and thank you for the continued prayers and support.
We had situations come up where we weren't able to come to church. James had the opportunity to take another position in his company and the Devil started messing with our relationships. And let me tell you, Satan is suceeding very well at trying to tear our relationships.
Not only is he toying with our friendships, Satan is toying with our emotions.
We ended getting pregnant and finding out on Christmas Day. We were so excited! We were trying to have a second baby and finally God had decided it was our time. We told everyone and I made my dr appointment but something just didn't feel right. I had a feeling like something was wrong. But I didn't know what it was.
Well, on January 8, 2008 at 8:30AM I miscarried. This has been the hardest thing oue family has ever been through. I went through and am still going through a whirlwind of emotions.
First, I cried. And cried and cried and cried. I did that for the almost 4 hours. After that 4 hours period and some very good drugs, I became numb. I just didn't feel anything. I knew what had happen but I just didn't know what to do.
Then, around 8pm January 9, 2008 I became angry. I was very pissed off with God for doing this to me. It isn't fair and why did this happen to me. This stage didn't last very long.
Now as I sit here at 1:25am on January 10, 2008 I am sad. Not only because I have lost the life of my baby but I feel as if I am losing one of my sisters. One of my dear friends who I love very deeply. I know that things have been hectic for all of us now but I don't want to lose a sister.
With all of this I am sure there are going to be plenty more tears, lots of hugs and in the end I hope He will help us figure everything else. Give us a healthy baby and to give me my sister back.
Although all of this awfulness has been happening, something good has come from all of this. I gained another sister. We were friends before all of this happen but now I see her as a sister. She has been here through my whole miscarriage and I am very greatful for her!
Love you all and thank you for the continued prayers and support.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Very sad times..
For all of you who don't have facebook I just wanted to let you guys know that we lost our baby this morning due to a miscarriage. Thanks for everyones continued prayers and thoughts. We love you.
Friday, January 2, 2009
I've Forgotten
Even though I was pregnant with Carly just under 2 years ago I have seemlingly forgotten what it is like to be pregnant.
I have been having these really bad mood swings lately. I am up one minute and down the next. And here at work it seems that these customers sense that I am at my breaking point and just go the extra mile to make sure I tip over. Why do people have to be so insensitive?
People keep asking me questions about my pregnancy. Like, when are you due and is it a boy or a girl? I have no clue! I haven't even found a doctor yet and I am only like 5 weeks pregnant. I am starting to think that I should have kept this a secret and not mentioned anything to anyone until I started showing. I regret telling everyone and know it seems like I have to live with it.
I get blank stares from people when they find out, like another one? Didn't you just have a baby not too long ago? Is 26 months appart really that close together? I don't think so. Why can't people just be happy for us. It is our decision not everyone elses so why does it matter to everyone else for?
AND another thing, why is it that because I look young mean that I sleep around with all these guys? I have other people asking me if I know who the father is? oh YEAH! I AM MARRIED! Have been for over 5 years now. Don't you see the ring on my finger?
It just really makes me upset because I try my best not to judge others. That isn't my job. that is God's job. So why do others have to judge me? And at such a sensitive time in my life. Everyday I just want to lock myself in my room and cry for hours. But I can't do that. I have a child that needs my attention. I can't give up.
As for other aspects of my life. What are friends anyway? Why do we have friends for? Growing up my friends were there for me when I was going through hard times... And I had some very scary moments in school. My friends never left my side until we seperated and went to different schools. Now, we all have jobs or lives that we are living and maybe we just don't have the time for the kind of friendships we had in school. But for me a friend is someone who you know that you can lean on.
James is the best friend I have in life. I can lean on him for anything. He will catch me when fall. He knows everything about me. We have no secrets from each other.
Sometimes you need some other friends to lean on. I have been searching for these friends ever since I graduated from high school. It seems like everytime I think I find some friends they end up being totally different than I thought. I have found 1 person other than James that has stayed true to what she showed me for as long as I have known her. I love her like my sister, in fact I see her as my sister.
Lastly, I am so happy that Jesus Christ was introduced to me. I know he died on the cross for my sins. I know He has a plan for me. I may not know that plan yet but I also know that I don't HAVE to know His plan. He will point me in the right direction.
Now, we just have to find what works for us. We have been going to church now for almost 3 months and I am still trying to figure out if this church is the right one for us. We love to format of the church, it is very laid back but to me, it doesn't seem very personable. Very few people acknowledge us every week. And since we don't know a lot of people yet, I don't feel comfortable going up to people and talking to them. So we are going to give this church a few more weeks and see what happens. Who knows except for Him?
I have been having these really bad mood swings lately. I am up one minute and down the next. And here at work it seems that these customers sense that I am at my breaking point and just go the extra mile to make sure I tip over. Why do people have to be so insensitive?
People keep asking me questions about my pregnancy. Like, when are you due and is it a boy or a girl? I have no clue! I haven't even found a doctor yet and I am only like 5 weeks pregnant. I am starting to think that I should have kept this a secret and not mentioned anything to anyone until I started showing. I regret telling everyone and know it seems like I have to live with it.
I get blank stares from people when they find out, like another one? Didn't you just have a baby not too long ago? Is 26 months appart really that close together? I don't think so. Why can't people just be happy for us. It is our decision not everyone elses so why does it matter to everyone else for?
AND another thing, why is it that because I look young mean that I sleep around with all these guys? I have other people asking me if I know who the father is? oh YEAH! I AM MARRIED! Have been for over 5 years now. Don't you see the ring on my finger?
It just really makes me upset because I try my best not to judge others. That isn't my job. that is God's job. So why do others have to judge me? And at such a sensitive time in my life. Everyday I just want to lock myself in my room and cry for hours. But I can't do that. I have a child that needs my attention. I can't give up.
As for other aspects of my life. What are friends anyway? Why do we have friends for? Growing up my friends were there for me when I was going through hard times... And I had some very scary moments in school. My friends never left my side until we seperated and went to different schools. Now, we all have jobs or lives that we are living and maybe we just don't have the time for the kind of friendships we had in school. But for me a friend is someone who you know that you can lean on.
James is the best friend I have in life. I can lean on him for anything. He will catch me when fall. He knows everything about me. We have no secrets from each other.
Sometimes you need some other friends to lean on. I have been searching for these friends ever since I graduated from high school. It seems like everytime I think I find some friends they end up being totally different than I thought. I have found 1 person other than James that has stayed true to what she showed me for as long as I have known her. I love her like my sister, in fact I see her as my sister.
Lastly, I am so happy that Jesus Christ was introduced to me. I know he died on the cross for my sins. I know He has a plan for me. I may not know that plan yet but I also know that I don't HAVE to know His plan. He will point me in the right direction.
Now, we just have to find what works for us. We have been going to church now for almost 3 months and I am still trying to figure out if this church is the right one for us. We love to format of the church, it is very laid back but to me, it doesn't seem very personable. Very few people acknowledge us every week. And since we don't know a lot of people yet, I don't feel comfortable going up to people and talking to them. So we are going to give this church a few more weeks and see what happens. Who knows except for Him?
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